


it's been a few years since i've felt sure of what i want

by Balthamos



Series: my home is wherever you are [2]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: (but minimal angst), Christmas Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21869566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: “Boys! It’s the first day of Christmas!” Hans yelled.“It’s November fifteenth?” David said.Matteo hasn't celebrated Christmas in a while, even before his dad left things weren't exactly festive at home. But last year was the worst. After that, he thought he'd never do Christmas again. But he also thought he'd never be happy again, yet here he was. Happy and in love, so maybe just maybe he could learn to love Christmas again, and start a few new traditions. With his family, with David.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Series: my home is wherever you are [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575514
Comments: 15
Kudos: 121





	1. 2019

Matteo was bored but what else was new? This antsy restless feeling perhaps. He used to be able to just zone out and let the day pass him by. Well, he used to be stoned most of the time so it was a lot easier. Now he had this need to be up and doing something. It wasn't a feeling he was familiar with. Not that he was doing anything about it. Instead, he was just laying there, alternating between watching David and staring up at the ceiling.

“David,” he complained. 

David was sitting at the desk editing a script that was due at the end of term. He'd been there for hours. Ignoring him. Matteo didn’t get why David couldn’t bring his laptop over to the bed and work next to him. Well, he did but he chose to ignore that fact.

“Working babe,” David said, not looking up from the screen.

“David,” Matteo repeated.

David sighed and looked round at him.

“Yes Matteo,” David said.

“Hey,” Matteo said, grinning.

“I am going to smother you,” David threatened.

“I'm bored though,” Matteo said.

“I know. But what do you want to do?” David asked.

Matteo flopped back on the bed, blowing his hair out of his face. He shrugged. He had no idea, he was hoping David had some suggestions. He felt anxious with it, he didn't like it. 

“Come here,” David said gently.

Matteo sighed heavily but dragged himself up from the bed. He grabbed a chair and sat beside David at the desk.

“What?”

David turned back to the screen.

“What are you working on?”

“A script,” David said. “It’s due at the end of the month,” he said.

“Tell me about it?” Matteo asked.

“Ok so we were given a prompt word and mine was  _ father _ which is a bit of a sore spot. It’s supposed to be kind of fictional but I’ve still written about an estranged son and father. But it’s set in like an apocalyptic time?”

Matteo nodded.

“Right but they were estranged before the apocalypse happened, and there are very few people left," David explained. 

“And they what? Ran into each other?” Matteo asked peering at the screen, David had written a lot. 

He was so smart, his boyfriend was a genius.

“Kind of? The son found himself drawn back home, out of the city. And there he finds his father and he has the choice whether or not to save him.” David explained.

“Does he?” Matteo asked.

“At first and then they have to team up, and work together. But it’s hard because they don’t trust each other,” David said.

“Do they work it out?” Matteo asked.

“No, not really, I’m going to leave it open-ended. It’s the father’s fault they’re estranged and there’s not enough time over the course of the story for him to earn forgiveness, but he does try and the son is willing to give him a chance. But these things shouldn't just be forgiven, ” David said.

Matteo knew what David was talking about but he was so creative. Matteo loved the stories he came up with. He wasn't good at stuff like that, didn't have the imagination for it. He was better with numbers and scientific fact. 

“You’re so smart,” Matteo said.

David pressed a kiss to his cheek. Matteo scooched his chair closer and watched David type away at the script.

“Ok?”

Matteo leant his head on David’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” he said.

They were quiet for a while, Matteo just reading over David’s shoulder as he worked away. Well, he tried to but David typed fast and kept going back and forth. Matteo had no idea how he was keeping track. 

“That’s wrong,” Matteo said, frowning at the screen.

“What?”

“What you’ve put there about harnessing the sun's energy? It doesn’t work like that, you’ll have to at least make up some new technology first, like our current solar panels can’t do that? But that's what you're talking about right? I mean I know it's fiction but… "

“Oh, I didn’t know that, thanks. So if I don’t use solar panels, just make up something new and call them like solar converters? That would work?” David asked.

“Yeah I guess but you’re not going to argue with me?” Matteo asked.

“No I trust you,” David said.

“Oh,” Matteo said with a small smile, he didn’t know why he felt his cheeks getting warmer.

“So if I-”

The door slammed open, hitting the wall. Both boys jumped and turned toward the noise. Matteo needed to get a doorstop for his wall soon. 

“Boys! It’s the first day of Christmas!” Hans yelled.

“It’s November fifteenth?” David said.

“We need to decorate!” Hans said, flinging strings of tinsel into the room.

“Hans!” Matteo complained, getting up and picking it all up again.

He shoved it back into Hans’ arms and pushed him to the door.

“Go away,” he muttered.

“Butterfly it’s Christmas so soon and we gotta get this place ready,” Hans complained, pouting at him.

“I don’t even do Christmas,” Matteo said quietly.

“But Matteo-”

He cut himself off, Matteo saw David shaking his head out of the corner of his eye. 

“Fine, but the living room is going to be  _ The Christmas Zone _ so you’re just going to have to deal with it," Hans said, flouncing off.

He wasn't upset. Matteo hoped he wasn't anyway. David stepped behind him, hooked his chin over his shoulder and wrapped his arms around him.

“I haven’t done Christmas in a few years either,” David admitted.

“Ok?”

“But if you liked I thought maybe we could do Christmas together? Or not even Christmas but just like us together,” David suggested.

“You want to? With me?” Matteo asked. 

He hadn't really thought about it yet, mostly because it was only November but also because he did his best to avoid all things festive. But he just assumed David would spend his holiday with Laura. 

“If you do?”

“Maybe,” Matteo said.

“Want to help Hans?” David asked. 

“Not really,” Matteo said. 

“I kinda could do with a break though," David said. 

“Fine,” Matteo sighed, pulling free of David's arms and taking his hand. 

They walked towards the door.

“It’ll be fun!” David insisted. 

“Doubtful, what it will be is loud and messy,” Matteo muttered, but he was smiling slightly.

They stepped out into the chaos that the living room had become. Matteo thought he'd gotten used to Hans and his need to cover everything in glitter but he was obviously mistaken. Linn looked exactly as he felt, sitting there on the sofa surrounded by fairy lights. She looked about ten seconds from bolting. Matteo went and sat beside her and began to help her untangle them, while David, Victoria, and Hans worked on the tree. It seemed like him and Linn were the only sensible ones in the apartment.

Despite the bright decorations in the living room Christmas wasn't really mentioned again. And now it was a week before Christmas and Matteo had a question to ask David. 

He was cooking in the kitchen, David sat on the counter watching him. Waiting for the food to be ready. Complaining he was hungry. 

Matteo was quiet, thinking about how to ask David what he wanted. David had said he wanted to spend Christmas together but what he was going to ask seemed like a bit much. 

“What do you usually do for Christmas?" he blurted out, cursing himself. 

"Um nothing much, Laura cooks food. We eat, she drinks wine, I might have a few beers and we watch movies, I can’t drink wine because it gets me drunk, as you know. One year we went to go visit Mel, my godmother, but she's been doing these hippy retreats the past few years," David said, grinning and trying to get at the pasta in the pan. 

Matteo tapped his wrist with the wooden spoon. 

"Ok," Matteo said quietly. 

"Why?" David asked. 

"Will you do that this year?" Matteo asked. 

"Probably, you can come over though. Laura would probably want your help cooking and it could be fun," David said. 

Matteo frowned, David already had plans, he wouldn't want to change them now. He should just keep his mouth shut. 

"Unless you don’t want to," David said. 

"No, it… it sounds fun…" 

"But?" 

"I called mama, asking if she was singing in the concert at church this year. And if I could come watch," Matteo said. 

"Oh Matteo that's so great," David said, taking Matteo's free hand from the counter and lacing their fingers together. 

"Yeah. And then we got talking and we talked for a long time and we thought it might be nice to have Christmas dinner together, and then I said I wanted to do Christmas Eve too, like before, because I miss it," Matteo explained. 

"Oh ok," David said.

Matteo could tell he was disappointed and sad, especially as Matteo had already said they could spend Christmas together. He was such an idiot. 

"She asked if you would like to come too?" Matteo told him. 

"Me?" 

"Yeah, but she didn’t know if you'd want to, if you even celebrated Christmas. She asked me to ask you. You don't have to come to the church or anything," Matteo assured him. 

"I mean yeah we always did Christmas for the presents not like church or anything. And yeah it sounds nice, but erm I would… I already have plans with Laura so…" 

"Ok yeah that’s fine, don’t worry about it," Matteo said quietly. 

"Sorry," David said. 

Matteo knew he shouldn't have asked. Now they were both sad. 

"It's fine," he lied. 

David looked up at him, worried. Matteo just smiled at him, trying to reassure him that he was fine. 

“‘S’ok I get it,” he said.

He wasn’t upset just a bit sad, but David was upset, he could tell. And now everything was awkward. 

Three days later they were chilling at Laura's. David had finished his project now and they wanted to relax. Hans was getting a bit too loud for Matteo with all the Christmas songs playing at full volume, so they'd come here instead.

Plus Matteo liked it at Laura's, she was a lot quieter, and she always let him cook with her. 

"Hey so did you ask Matteo if he wanted to join us for booze and food on Christmas? You’re perfectly welcome if you’re not doing Christmas with the loud roomies,” Laura assured him. 

"Yeah, he did but er… I’m gonna go see my mama actually," Matteo said. 

"Oh that’s so good Matteo, I’m so pleased for you," she said. 

"Yeah?" 

"Of course," she insisted.

Matteo took a deep breath. This was even more stressful than asking David. 

"She er… she asked David if he could come too," Matteo said. 

David looked at him and Matteo could tell he desperately wanted to. But he also understood why he couldn't, it wouldn't be fair to leave Laura alone. Matteo got that. 

"Oh wow, that's a big step, Christmas with the in-laws. Wow," she said. 

"Yeah but I'm not going," David said quietly. 

Laura just stared at him. 

"What? Why?" she demanded. 

"Because I said I'd do Christmas with you," David explained. 

Laura started laughing. 

"What?" she asked. 

"What?" David repeated. 

"David go have Christmas with your boyfriend Jesus Christ. You know I don't care about that shit," she said, still laughing at the sad and slightly put out expression on David's face. 

"Are you sure?" David asked, getting excited now. 

"Of course," she said. 

Matteo was even more nervous to ask Laura now. Because if she didn’t like Christmas she might get upset with him. 

“Er… Laura?"

"Yes Matteo, sorry my brother is such a dummy," she said, turning back to him.

"That’s ok," Matteo said. 

"Hey!" 

David grabbed him and wrestled him down on the couch. They struggled and Matteo ended up sliding to the floor when he tried to wriggle free.

David jumped down and pinned him there. 

"David!" Matteo huffed. 

David grinned but stood up and helped him back up.

"Carry on," he said. 

"Laura?" 

"Yes, Matteo?" 

He took a deep breath. 

"I asked my mama and she said that it’s ok if you would like to come too," he said. 

Laura stopped laughing then, she stared at him silently for a moment. Then she stood up from the chair and walked into her bedroom. 

Matteo knew he’d fucked up, he was so stupid why had he done that? They'd all been laughing and having fun and he'd spoiled it. 

"Hey, Matteo? Whatever you're thinking? Don’t. That was really sweet of you to offer," David insisted, grabbing his hand. 

"I’m sorry I upset her," Matteo said quietly. 

"Christmas isn't a good time for her or me, there's a reason she drinks wine and tries to ignore that she's sad," David said. 

"I get that," Matteo said. 

"I know," David said. 

"I really didn’t mean to upset her," Matteo said. 

"You didn’t," Laura said, coming back out of her room.

"I-" 

“David you should go to Matteo's. Matteo I... I will think about it ok?" she offered. 

"Ok thank you, mama would love to have both of you there," Matteo promised. 

After a lot of deliberation, Laura agreed to go with them to mama’s house. She skipped Christmas Eve to go out with her friends but agreed to come over for food on Christmas Day. 

All week Matteo was stressing, worried about how his mama would cope, that Laura would hate it, that David would be bored. He’d gone over several times to check on his mother, check the house was ok, even she was getting fed up with him. She even threatened to send him away.

But on the day it wasn’t like that at all, mama welcomed them warmly into her home, and fed them well. Laura and David were fine, they didn’t even comment on the sparse decorations, all that was left after years of hard Christmasses. Matteo had tried hard but he hadn’t felt up to buying more and neither had his mother. Christmas was hard for both of them and this felt particularly fragile.

But the house was clean, warm and bright, so far removed from how it looked last year and that was what mattered. They were all sitting in the living room, carols playing softly from his mother’s old cd player in the corner. Matteo had stolen a string of lights from Hans and hung it up along the wall behind the sofa. It cast a soft glow over everything. 

His mother approached them with glasses of wine. She was smiling more than he’d seen in a long time.

“Here you go Laura,” mama said, handing Laura a glass.

“Thank you,” she said. 

“Where’s mine?” Matteo asked.

“You can’t have any,” she said, handing David a glass too.

“What why?”

“You’re not allowed wine Matteo, not after what happened when you were eleven,” mama warned.

“What happened when Matteo was eleven?” Laura asked.

“Matteo and Jonas, the little rascals! Jonas convinced Matteo to steal the communion wine-”

“Oh no!”

“Yes! And the two of them snuck off with it to a park and got absolutely drunk. Matteo was sick for five days, so no wine for you,” mama said.

“Matteo how could you?” David teased.

“I didn’t even know what it was, it was Jonas’ idea,” Matteo insisted.

They all just laughed at him, but Matteo’s mum did pour him a small glass, much smaller than everyone else’s. 

Matteo scowled at them, but he didn't mind. It would be nice to be sober at Christmas. It had been a while since that was the case. 

All Matteo's worrying was all for nothing in the end. Mama stayed calm, Laura was quiet but happy, and David was just delighted to hear all mama's embarrassing stories about him. Despite his protests.

In fact, they stayed there long after the food finished although there was a lot left. His mother had gone all out. But they stayed until long after they were full and had had too much wine. It was the early hours of the morning before they started to think about heading home.

"I must get to bed soon," mama said, "I'm not as young as all you, and I've been up since dawn, what with the cooking and the concert," she said. "Thank you for coming, Matteo," she added. 

"I'm not tired yet but I reckon as soon as I see my bed I'll collapse," Laura said. 

"Alright I'll call you a taxi," mama said.

Matteo nodded sleepily. 

"And I'll warn you now, Agata has already been texting me, after seeing you today. She wants you to join the choir again," she told him. 

Matteo groaned. Agata was a nightmare, his old choir leader, it was unlikely she would let that idea go.

But he would deal with that another day. He yawned and allowed David to pull him up and toward the waiting taxi. He kissed his mother goodbye, promised to see her again soon and practically collapsed into the taxi. 

But he didn't fall asleep, just kept his eyes closed. Just resting. He didn't want to sleep yet, didn't want the day to end. This was the best Christmas he’d had in years. It was nothing special, but it was the first time he hadn’t been on edge. Even though he’d worried up until the minute they all arrived at the house, once they got there he knew it would be ok, nothing like what he was used to. And without all that stress, the anxiety over whether there would be fighting, whether his mother would get sad, without all that, he’d been able to enjoy it.

David was beside him, arm wrapped around his waist holding him close. Laura was in the front, but she was turned around so she could talk to David. 

"That was actually kinda fun," she said. 

"Yeah, it was," David agreed. 

"I'm glad I went, it was different, less sad than the two of us getting drunk," she continued. 

Matteo felt David nod, but he didn't say anything. He was too tired to contribute to the conversation. 

"It probably would have been easier if we stayed over," Laura said, stifling a yawn, "I could've happily crashed on the sofa," she said. 

"Matteo doesn't stay over anymore," David said quietly, pressing a kiss to his head. 

Matteo kept his eyes closed, nothing to say about that. Laura didn't say anything about it either, so he didn't know what she thought, but he reckoned she would understand. 


	2. 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I fell asleep at my desk?" Matteo said._   
>  _"Yeah, I brought you in here and put you to bed. You were so exhausted you didn't wake properly, not even when I helped you up. When did you last sleep Matteo?" David asked gently, no hint of annoyance in his voice, just pure concern._
> 
> This year the Christmas holidays aren't Matteo's source of stress, instead, it's exams. But he still reflects on how much has changed in a year.

Matteo had no idea why he ever thought he could do this, he just wasn’t cut out for academic life. He had exams after Christmas and he was going to fail all of them. And to make things worse he was stressing so much he was ruining Christmas for David and everyone else.

He was so stressed he hadn’t slept in days, right now he was just slumped over his desk half-asleep surrounded by his notes. He was supposed to get up and make dinner at some point, David would be there soon. But he just needed to close his eyes for a second.

When he opened them again he was in bed, he’d moved from the office to the bedroom. His entire body ached where he’d fallen asleep in his chair. But the bed was comfortable and warm, the room was dark. The only light was the glow coming from David’s laptop, where he lay beside him working. He stretched slowly and turned his head. David was focussed, editing one of his films, the one about the future. And climate change just because Matteo had suggested it. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe David took his ideas seriously, asked him for advice, ran his own ideas by him. 

Matteo watched quietly for a while as he came round, watching David work. He made it look so easy, but Matteo knew how much work it took, how hard David worked. How much effort, how much of himself he put into every single project. 

“Hungry?” David asked after a while, clicking out of his editing program and closing his laptop. 

He turned to Matteo.

“How did you know I was awake?" Matteo asked. 

"Your breathing changed, plus you moved earlier," David said. 

"I fell asleep at my desk?" Matteo said. 

"Yeah, I brought you in here and put you to bed. You were so exhausted you didn't wake properly, not even when I helped you up. When did you last sleep Matteo?" David asked gently, no hint of annoyance in his voice, just pure concern. 

"I was studying," Matteo said. 

"I know babe but you need to sleep," David said. 

"I'm so scared of failing," Matteo admitted. 

"You’re not going to fail," David promised, sitting up and pulling Matteo up with him. 

They sat so they were facing each other, David's hands on his knees. 

"You don’t know that," Matteo said. 

"Yeah I do. You’ve worked hard all semester, all your coursework was good, you’ve studied loads already. I think you're already ready for the exams-" 

"No-" 

"Yes. But I’m not going to stop you studying, I know that won’t help. I am going to ask you to let me keep it in check though," David told him, moving closer to him. 

"How do you mean?" 

"If I tell you you’ve done enough will you listen to me?" David asked. 

"Yeah," Matteo said. 

"You’ve done enough today, and I would like you to have a day off tomorrow," David said. 

"Why?" 

"Because you’re exhausted, you’ve worked hard and you need a break. And I miss you. Also, it’s one week till Christmas and I need you to help me find a present for you mum, to say thank you for having me there," David said. 

"Oh my god, you've left it this late?" Matteo joked. 

"Don’t you dare," David warned. 

Matteo climbed into his lap and snuggled against him.

"I love you, sorry for being annoying. Thank you for taking care of me,” Matteo said.

“You’re not annoying, I just don’t like seeing you wound up like this, and I’ll always take care of you,” David promised.

“What do you want to get her?" Matteo asked. 

"What did you get her?" David asked. 

"New gardening gloves," Matteo said. 

"So thoughtful," David said. 

"And a locket with a picture of me and her when we went on a trip north to the beach," Matteo said. 

"Fuck that’s good," David muttered. 

"We’ll go to that little department store by the church. She likes stuff from there and- oh wait I know what you can get her," Matteo said, figuring it out. 

"Well?" David demanded. 

"Wait and see," Matteo teased. 

David rolled his eyes.

"You’re a pest," he said. 

"You love me anyway. No, you should get her a new journal for next year," Matteo said. 

"A journal?" 

“Like your book, to write things and ideas, she sketches sometimes too. It’s like part of therapy, she told us once remember?" Matteo said. 

"I remember," David said. 

His mother was doing well in therapy, she was doing better but she wasn’t the same playful, bubbly woman he remembered as a child. But she was just as kind, just as gentle, a slower, quieter version of who she once was. And that was fine, suited him better anyway. She was happy and safe and that was what was important. 

In the end, seeing how well she was doing, the change in her was what convinced him to give therapy a try. David, Amira, Jonas, they all tried to convince him. But it was a conversation with his mother that gave him the push. They were talking about the past, about his childhood, his teenage years, and it was painful, so painful. And his mother for the first time described what was going on in her head all those times when things were bad. She’d never been able to before, it took a lot of therapy sessions before she even understood. But what she’d described had felt so familiar to him, not exactly the same, but familiar enough that he knew he needed to acknowledge something was wrong.

And she’d known, and she’d promised him it would be ok. And he believed her. So he was getting there. He saw Zoe once a week, and she helped him manage his depression and anxiety. There was medication too, which he’d fought hard against at first, but it helped. Even now as stressed as he was with the exams, he knew he was handling it a lot better than he would have been able to a year ago. So he was ok. He still got bad days of course, but when he looked back and thought about how bad things used to be, he couldn't even recognise that Matteo. 

"A lot’s happened this year, hasn't it?" Matteo said. 

"It has," David agreed. 

"I started therapy, we moved in," Matteo said. "then I started uni," he added. 

"Yeah and I applied to those schools in America," David said. 

"Yeah I hate that," Matteo admitted. 

"It doesn't matter, I won’t get in," David said. 

That wasn't true. Matteo knew David would get in, and he would go, and it would be the hardest thing they ever did. But they would do it, and they would get through it. He knew that too. 

"You will and I'll miss you so much I'll probably just die. I am hungry by the way, you asked earlier," Matteo said. 

"I’ll order pizza, and you won't die, we'll make it work, I promise," David insisted. 

"Can we get decorations? While we're out shopping tomorrow?" Matteo asked. 

David smiled at him, that soft fond smile he wore whenever he thought Matteo was being particularly sweet. Although he didn't know what was sweet about Christmas decorations. 

"We can," David said. 

"Shitty ones?" Matteo asked. 

"Of course, super tacky," David agreed. 

"Yeah! And cheap and garish," Matteo suggested. 

"It'll look dreadful," David warned him. 

"But amazing too," Matteo insisted. 

They both started laughing, loud and joyous. 

"Thanks for letting me do Christmas. I know you don’t really like it," Matteo said. 

"Only because of family stuff, it’s not that I don’t like it I just don't care much," David said. 

He'd said the same thing last year, Laura too. Both of them insisted that they didn't care, but Matteo wasn't fooled. He saw the expressions of joy on their faces when they thought he wasn't looking. He knew what it was because he knew he wore the same expression, he just didn't try to hide it. 

He may not have had the same life experiences as either of them. He’d had a very different childhood and a very different experience of Christmas. But what he did understand was a broken family and the effect that had on traditional things like Christmas. And how other people didn't quite get that. 

He'd talked about it with Hans, last year when he'd gotten back from visiting his family, visibly drained from the ordeal. But Matteo had made him a cup of tea and they'd sat together in the kitchen. Hans had told him it was getting better, each year he went back it got a little better. 

But it was slow, so slow, and other people didn’t get that, the effort he had to put in for such little return if he wanted a family. Because this family was conditional, it made demands of him, did not accept him without hesitation and that wasn’t fair. So he'd made another family, a family who did accept him, and that included Matteo. That had made him smile so wide, to know that was how Hans felt about him.

So Matteo made his family too, and it was for David and for Laura too, because they deserved a Christmas without conditions or demands. Just good food, fun, and somehow, inexplicably, more embarrassing stories about him. 

That year was also the first year he'd replied to his father's texts. He sent many throughout the years, birthdays, Christmasses, and important school dates. Just trying to find his way back into Matteo's life. He felt guilty, Matteo knew it. But it was hard and Matteo hadn't been able to reply until now. 

But that year he finally texted him back. He wanted to, he really wanted to try and after a little encouragement from David, he did it. He unloaded everything, how he felt about him leaving. How he couldn't forgive him, not yet. That he had depression. And anxiety. And that his childhood had a big part of that. He told him that he had a boyfriend and they'd moved in together. That he was happy. There'd been no reply yet, but it was a lot of info he'd dumped on him. He would give him time. He knew it would be ok. His father wanted to be back in his life. He just needed time, he’d missed a lot over the years and he needed to process what he’d learnt about his son. But they would work something out, he wasn’t worried.

It had been a fight for David to get him out of the apartment and to mama's house for Christmas. It had been an even bigger fight for David to force him to leave his laptop behind. But he had and Matteo had sat through dinner and paid attention as much as he could but he felt like he was wasting time. If he didn’t study he would fail. He couldn’t fail. They would throw him out. He’d finally found something he thought he could do and what if it turned out he couldn’t? That they’d made a mistake letting him in?

When David and Laura were chatting with his mama, he’d snuck off. Pretending to go to the bathroom but actually hiding out in his old room. He’d managed to get his old computer started, which had taken ten minutes. Then another five to get connected to the university website. But now he had his notes in front of him. He felt like he’d read them over and over again. He didn’t know how to do this, how to study. He’d never tried before and now he was lost.

He was just staring at words on a screen. They didn’t mean anything. Why was he even being examined in this data law stuff? All his other modules were at least interesting. He’d already done so much coursework and project work. And he could do that. But this was compulsory and it was just memorising random laws and information. Why did it all have to rest on what he remembered on one particular day? It wasn’t fair. His memory was shit. He had depression, Zoe had said it had a negative impact on his memory.

There was a soft knock at the door.

“Go away,” Matteo said.

It was probably David coming to tell him off. He’d been worried about him Matteo knew, trying to get him to take more breaks, not stress so much. But he just didn’t get it, it was fine for him because he was smart and good at school.

It wasn’t David though, his mama stepped into the room, closing the door behind her quietly. She sat on the edge of the bed nearest to him.

“Hi Matteo,” she said gently.

“I don’t think I can do it mama,” he said, feeling close to tears.

He hated being a failure. It was different at abi, he’d come close to failing but he hadn’t been trying. He’d tried really hard this time.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I’m just too stupid,” he said, staring down at his hands.

“You’re not stupid at all,” she said.

“You have to say that you're my mama,” Matteo argued.

“But as your mother I know you’re not stupid,” she said.

She pulled his chair away from the desk, turning it to face her instead.

“You are not stupid,” she repeated. 

“But-”

“You’re also not very academic, never have been. I can remember parent-teacher meetings, it was always the same. Matteo is a very clever boy, but he struggles to concentrate, to focus, I always thought that was a bit of a cop-out,” she said.

“Oh,” Matteo said.

“But yet when you were at home with me, doing your homework, drawing, writing stories, all of that you were fine. So I just thought your teachers were full of shit, to be honest,” she said.

“Mama!”

“Kids learn best in different ways, you just have to put in the effort to engage them, Matteo,” she said. “Anyway talk me through the exams you have,” she said.

“I have three, professional computing, computer architecture and fundamental maths,” Matteo told her.

“And you’re struggling with all three?” she asked.

“No professional computing. The other two are ok. Like maths is maths, it's difficult because it just is and I know I’m going to suck at that. It’s like I need to see it applied to understand it, does that make sense? Computer architecture is fine because that's just computer design and I get that, that’s like seventy percent coursework so I should have already passed,” Matteo explained.

“Ok that makes sense. So professional computing? What is it?”

“The use of computing in a professional environment, like it goes all the way from what a company should budget for IT, to like ethics around the internet, and laws on data protection,” Matteo said.

She nodded.

“Ah. So it’s a lot to memorise?” she guessed.

“Yes!”

“And I guess you can’t really apply it like the other stuff,” she said.

“No, exactly,” Matteo agreed.

“How is the exam structured?” she asked.

“There are four essay questions about stuff like computer misuse or particular laws or... god I don’t even care about this stuff,” Matteo said, running his hands through his hair and groaning.

“Do you have to do all four?”

“Three out of four,” he said.

“Ok,” she said.

Matteo frowned.

“Well what do I do? How do I pass?” he demanded.

“I’m thinking,” she said.

Matteo turned back to the screen, reading all the jargon in front of him. He didn’t care about this stuff. He didn’t want to be a data lawyer or whatever. He just wanted to make apps or video games or something. He turned back around.

“Ok I get that you don’t care and that's part of the problem. Because you feel you don't need to know this right?” she asked him.

“Right,” he agreed, he didn’t get why  _ this _ was compulsory.

“But what if one day you do? It’s obviously important for those going to work in computing if it's a compulsory module,” she said.

“Yes but I just want to make stuff,” Matteo argued.

“Right but if you then want to sell apps or games you will need to do it properly. What if you set up a tech company? You will need to know this stuff then,” she said.

But that was just ridiculous, he was never going to be able to do that. So it was all irrelevant.

“I guess, but I don’t think I’m capable of that,” he said.

“I think you are and I think knowing this now will help you in the future. I think the easiest way for you to learn it is to apply it,” she said.

“I can’t apply it though that's the problem,” Matteo argued.

That’s what he’d already told her. This stuff was just so removed from what he did understand about programming. He was just never going to get this.

“Then find a tech company and apply everything you’ve learnt in this module to that company, apply it, write your own policies for the company and then see if you can find their actual policies online and see how they compare,” she suggested.

His mother was smart, so smart. Right then it was as if something clicked, it made so much sense. He could do that. He finally had a way to approach this.

“Oh. Mama that makes sense. I can do that,” Matteo said.

He turned to back to the computer, eager to get started but she turned him around.

“When is the exam?” she asked.

“January fifteenth,” he said.

“Then not today you can take a break for the rest of today,” she said, firmly.

He knew he wasn't going to get away with it. She wasn’t going to let him work.

“But…”

“Matteo when I came in here you were almost crying, I want you to step away from the computer and come back downstairs. I promise you this will wait until tomorrow,” she insisted.

“But-”

“You are so tired Matteo, rest unwind and relax with us and you will do better for it tomorrow. I’ve been through all this you know, your brain will thank you for it tomorrow,” she said, “I’m not asking you Matteo, you’re going to turn off this computer and come downstairs.”

There was no room for arguments there. But she was right. And she was being fair. He was calmer now he knew what to do, but still on edge, still stressed. He still felt a bit sick and nervous with it all. He didn’t want to spend the rest of the day up there studying. He knew whatever he did wouldn’t be any good, not in the state he was in. He wanted David, he wanted to go hang out with them and be present. He‘d pretty much spaced out through dinner earlier, he’d missed all their conversations but he didn’t want to miss the rest of the night.

He sighed and turned off the computer and followed his mother downstairs, she went into the kitchen. Matteo went straight to the living room. He found David and Laura there chatting and waiting for him.

“Ok?” David asked.

“I was studying in my room,” Matteo admitted.

“I know, you were gone a while,” David said, pulling him down beside him. “I was worried but you’re mum said she would handle it,” he told him.

“Sorry,” Matteo said.

“Don’t be, did you mum help?”

“Yeah I think so. I have an idea now anyway,” he said.

“Good. So you’re going to enjoy the rest of Christmas?” Laura asked him.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Good, here before mama sees,” David said, trying to hand him a tiny glass of wine.

Matteo didn’t know where he’d found it but his mum had all sorts of weird things around the house. David seemed proud of himself.

“Funny,” Matteo said.

“It’s not communion wine but it’ll do,” David said.

“You’re not funny David,” Matteo muttered.

David just pushed the glass into his hand and settled against him, snuggling close.

“You with us now?” he asked, “You scared me before, I don’t like it when you get like that,” he admitted.

“Yeah, sorry about earlier,” he said. 

He knew David had noticed how distracted he was at dinner, pretty much ignoring all of them, not joining in the conversations. Too busy thinking about the exams. David worried when he wasn’t present because sometimes that was how it started, he would zone out more and more frequently, for longer and longer periods of time. Eventually getting so lost in his own head the only way back was crashing. And that was always devastating.

“It’s ok, as long as you’re here now, it’s Christmas Matteo, enjoy it yeah?” David said, squeezing him tight.

He knew he was putting on a brave face, he was worried, that much was obvious. Matteo would try, he would try to do better, try to keep a handle on it and not let it overwhelm him as much. Not just because it was worrying David but because it shouldn’t feel like this, it wasn’t worth his fragile health.

“I will,” Matteo said quietly.

And he would. His mama was right he had almost three weeks to study. And with her idea, he knew he had a better chance. He would start tomorrow. And he would probably get stressed again as soon as he got back into it, but he would cope. He was strong enough. He would talk to Zoe, come up with techniques to handle it. But for now, David was right it was Christmas and he should enjoy it with his family. Exams could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up there's one guest missing at Christmas...
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	3. 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Struggling today?” she asked._
> 
> _“Every fucking day Laura, I miss him so much,” Matteo said, dropping his head back against the bath and staring up at the ceiling._
> 
> _He didn’t know how much more of this he could take._
> 
> Christmas without David is hard for Matteo, it's the first time in a few years he can't be bothered with it. But Laura and David (even from halfway across the world) won't let that happen.

Matteo stood nervously outside Laura’s apartment, he didn’t know why he was nervous, he was here all the time. He was allowed up without knocking, he still had a key, but he felt shy using it when David wasn’t even in the same country. God, he missed him. Still, there was no use hovering outside all night. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Matteo how nice, do you want dinner? You don’t need to knock, you can come over anytime,” Laura said, letting him in.

“I er… yeah dinner sounds great,” Matteo said, following her into the kitchen.

“Fantastic I’m making a tagine, it’s lamb. I’ve made it for you before, the recipe has apricots, but I can add that after I dish yours up,” Laura said.

Matteo smiled, she obviously remembered him leaving them all on the side of his plate last time. He had tried them but he just didn’t like them.

“Thanks, it’s just the texture of them, I don’t like it,” he explained.

“I get you, come sit,” she said, turning back to the stove. “So what brings you here? How are you doing?”

“Ok,” Matteo said, sitting down at the counter.

“Exams?” she asked.

“No, I’m er... I don’t have an exam this term. I'm still on a reduced workload because of the time I missed. Zoe doesn't think the stress is a good idea so soon. I’m still a bit… fragile. So no exams until summer, all I had this term was a coding project and I already finished it,” he said.

He felt embarrassed that he wasn't taking exams with the rest of his class. That he was getting a free pass. It was Amira that reminded him he would still have to take the exams to finish and he would actually have more in the summer than everyone else. It helped a bit. He also knew he absolutely couldn't handle it right now and knew it would do him a lot of harm if he forced himself to do it.

“Ok tell me about it?”

“Really?” Matteo asked, cheeks heating up. 

“Yeah I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages, fill me in,” she said.

“Ok it’s on like algorithms and data structure, that’s one of my modules. And my assessment for this semester is like designing search algorithms and writing programs to do that. It’s nothing big, but I like it,” Matteo explained. “And then next semester I have some exams and a big project. It’s going to be really busy. I have to work with others and we have to design proper software,” he said.

“That sounds really interesting Matteo,” Laura said, spooning food into a bowl and placing it in front of him.

“Really?” Matteo asked, taking the basket of bread she offered him.

She knew him so well.

“Yes, like I’m not big on computing, but it sounds so cool when you talk about it,” she said, pulling the stool round and sitting opposite him.

“Oh. Cool,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be so shy, Matteo,” she said.

“Can’t help it,” he said, staring at his bowl.

“I know,” she said.

He looked up again, biting his lip. He was nervous.

“I er… I actually came to ask something,” he said.

“Oh?”

“Did you… are you still coming over for dinner with me and mama?” he asked.

“Oh… me?” she said, shocked.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding.

“But David won’t be there,” she reminded him.

“So?” 

“I didn’t realise you’d still want me there,” Laura said.

“Of course, you’re still family, just because David fucked off to America,” Matteo insisted.

“Ok I’d love to,” she said, beaming at him.

“Great,” Matteo said quietly.

“David texted me by the way,” she said, smirking at him.

Matteo frowned.

“Yeah?”

“He asked me to help you decorate your apartment, doesn’t want you breaking your neck,” she said, laughing.

She was teasing, but David knew Matteo was struggling, that he hadn’t bothered to decorate yet, even though they were a week into December. But he missed David. He was lonely, but he didn’t want Jonas and Hanna over. It was Christmas and he loved them but it was special with David. It just felt like there was no point without him there. So he hadn’t bothered to decorate, feeling like there wasn’t much point without David there. He’d only started celebrating Christmas again with David, while he was away it wasn’t the same.

He had gotten the boxes out on the first of December but left them in the corner of the living room. He supposed he should put them back because he kept tripping over them. But every now and then he was tempted to just do it, make the place a bit more festive. Instead, he’d ignored them and locked himself away in his and David's office working on his uni projects. But if Laura was going to be there it would be ok. If she helped him, that would be ok.

“I can manage,” he lied, “but yeah it would be nice to have company,” he said.

“Excellent, could I interest you in non-horrible decorations?” she offered.

“Absolutely not,” Matteo said.

They would put up the same trashy decorations that he and David had bought last year. Nothing else would do.

Matteo made it through Christmas Eve. He made it through his phone call with David after he’d opened his extra presents. He made it through dinner with his mum and Laura. It had all been going fine. But he’d had a lot to drink, and he missed David a lot. Christmas was over but there was still half a year till David came back and right now that seemed like a lifetime. So now he was hiding in the bathroom crying. Because he just didn’t want to go home to his sad apartment, when David was on the other side of the world.

So he’d snuck off to hide for a while. Laura found him soon enough though.

“Are you in there Matteo?” she asked through the door.

“Do you need the bathroom?”

“No I’m checking on you,” she said.

“I’m fine just give me a minute?” Matteo asked, trying to calm himself down.

“Can I come in?” she asked.

Matteo sighed and opened the door, rubbing his face furiously but the tears just wouldn't stop coming. She stepped into the room and smiled gently when she took in the state he was in.

Matteo sank back down where he’d been sitting against the bath. She sat down facing him.

“Mama ok?”

“She’s fine, she’s in the kitchen boxing up enough food to feed a normal person for the rest of the year, but only about a week’s worth for you,” Laura said.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, but he grinned slightly.

He was glad he was here and not alone in his apartment.

“Struggling today?” she asked.

“Every fucking day Laura, I miss him so much,” Matteo said, dropping his head back against the bath and staring up at the ceiling. 

He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

“I know,” she said.

“It’s never going to get easier, is it? I’m just going to have to grin and bear it until he comes back,” Matteo said.

“No you don’t have to grin and bear it, you are suffering because your boyfriend isn’t here and you miss him. But you don’t have to put on a brave face. I know for a fact David isn’t, all he does is complain about missing you,” Laura told him.

“Yeah?”

“Literally every phone call, it’s all how’s Matteo? Have you seen Matteo recently? I miss Matteo so much. It's like hi David, I’m your sister remember? Maybe try asking how I am,” she said, laughing at her brother.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled, feeling guilty.

“No it’s nice,” Laura insisted.

“How do you mean?” Matteo asked.

“I never thought he’d have this,” Laura said.

“Really?” Matteo asked.

David always said the same thing and Matteo just didn’t get it. It made no sense to him, David was the most lovable person he knew, but yet he always talked of how surprised he was when he found out Matteo loved him.

“Not a boyfriend, I knew he would eventually find someone. But this, what the two of you have? David was so closed off before he met you, even with me, he trusted me sure and he told me everything he needed to, but with such reluctance, like he didn’t want to share. Even the good stuff, like how he was doing in school. He would hide in his room most of the time, or go out god knows where. But now? I feel like we’re so much closer, he’s so open and he wants to share. He wants to talk to me about anything and everything. We talk so much now, and he wants to share, and as much as I joke, it’s not just about you, it’s about everything in his life. Hell, we even talk about the difficult stuff, our parents, his transition, everything Matteo. And I’m so grateful for you for bringing that out in him,” Laura said.

She reached up for some tissues and shared them with him.

“I don’t think it was me,” Matteo said.

It couldn't have been, sure David was mysterious and secretive when they first met, but as soon as they were settled, as soon as they’d cleared the air all that fell away. At least around him. But it never took him by surprise, he knew that’s how David would be, had seen it in him from the start.

“Part of it was, part of it was him too, you bring out the best in each other,” Laura said.

“Ok,” Matteo said.

That was true, David definitely made him a better person. He didn’t know where he would be now without him. Never even entertained the thought.

“Call him,” Laura said.

“What?” Matteo said, looking up at her.

“Call him and tell him you're struggling, he’ll want to know,” she insisted.

“I don’t want to burden him,” Matteo said quietly.

“When have you ever?” she argued.

“I’ll spoil his Christmas,” Matteo said.

“No you won’t, call him Matteo,” she said.

When he took out his phone she pressed a kiss to his cheek then stood up and left. Matteo closed his eyes, took a deep breath and called his boyfriend.

David answered after only two rings.

“Hey Matteo,” he said.

“Sorry, are you busy? Is it early?” Matteo asked.

He figured it was probably around midday but he had no idea what time David had gone to bed, he’d been up late when they’d spoken in the morning Matteo’s time.

“Never too early, are you ok?” David asked.

Of course, he knew something was wrong straight away. Although it probably wasn’t hard to tell he’d been crying. That he was still crying.

“No,” Matteo admitted and even that felt like such a relief. He felt like he’d been pretending to be ok for too long now. 

He was coping but just barely.

“What's going on?” David asked.

And Matteo didn't want to worry him, but he didn’t want to lie either.

“I'm sad, I'm a bit drunk and I'm sad and I miss you and I didn’t want to call and ruin your Christmas but Laura said I should. David, I miss you so much. It hurts, today it really hurts,” Matteo said.

“You've been crying,” David said.

“I’m still crying. I'm hiding in the bathroom. But mama and Laura are downstairs, I’m not by myself,” Matteo said.

“Ok we’re going to talk for a while but when we’re done I want you to go back downstairs ok? Don’t hide,” David said.

“Laura knows I’m in here, she’s keeping an eye on me,” Matteo said.

“Good that's good,” David said.

Matteo sighed and closed his eyes. It was so good to hear his voice, even though they’d only spoken that morning. It helped, just a little but it helped.

“Sorry for worrying you I’m ok, it's just… we're not even halfway through,” Matteo said.

“I know I was thinking the same thing yesterday,” David said.

“I miss you so much,” Matteo said, sniffling.

“I miss you too Matteo. Every day. I think we’re long passed being strong about this aren’t we?” David said.

They’d long since accepted this was going to be hard, but Matteo had hoped it would get easier. That wasn’t going to happen if anything it was just getting harder. Every morning he still reached for David when he woke, and every time his hands found nothing but an empty bed, he had to try and hold back the tears.

“This is just how it's going to be isn’t it?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David said. “But I know you say we’re not halfway through, but we're almost halfway through you know?” he said.

“I... what?” 

“So soon we'll only have half the time left,” David clarified.

“It's still a long time,” Matteo argued.

“But we've nearly made it halfway, what's another hundred and fifty days to us?” David asked.

Matteo knew he was trying to be positive, knew it would help him get through, but he couldn’t see it that way. Until the day David was back in his arms, any length of time was too much.

“A fucking long time, but we can do this,” Matteo insisted.

Because though it was hard they  _ were _ going to get through it. There was no other choice.

“I miss you, Matteo, I’ve enjoyed Christmas, I've made myself enjoy it, but I miss you so much and it's so hard. But please don’t ever think you are burdening me by calling, I miss you just as much as you miss me ok, so you can call me whenever you need ok?” David said.

“Ok,” Matteo said quietly.

“Don’t ever hesitate,” David warned.

“Ok I won’t,” Matteo promised.

“Ok, I want you to go back down and hang out with Laura and mama and try to have fun ok? And I'll call you tonight yeah? When you get back home, and we’ll facetime and we’ll talk all night ok?” David asked.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Matteo said, nodding even though David couldn’t see him.

He was tempted to just head straight back home to facetime David, but he knew he wouldn’t let him. So he would stay here a few hours, let Laura and his mama keep him company, take care of him.

“I love you, Matteo,” David said.

“I love you too, talk later ok?” Matteo said.

Matteo hung up, he took a look at himself in the mirror. It was painfully clear he’d been crying but there was no point trying to hide it. So he headed downstairs to Laura and mama who were waiting for him in the living room. They both smiled gently at him when he walked in.

“Doing ok?” Laura asked.

Matteo nodded and sat down with them, his mother shuffled closer and wrapped an arm around him.

“This will pass Matteo, darling. You will get through this, both of you, and while I wish you weren’t suffering right now. But I can promise you this, as hard as it is the time and distance between you now is nothing to the strength of your relationship, and when you do get through it, when this is finally over you will realise just how strong that is. And it will make it even stronger, when you are finally reunited,” his mother told him.

Matteo just nodded, a warm feeling settling in his chest. He leant against her and let her comfort him, stroking his hair and talking softly with Laura. Knowing he wasn’t capable of conversation right now.

But he would be fine. Because Laura and his mother were right. And David was going to come back to him. It was the only thing he was sure of. Only a hundred and fifty days to go, it felt like a lifetime, but it would pass. And he would see David again, in New York, then they would come home. And then he would never let David out of his sight again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up David has a promise to keep...
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	4. 2022

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Matteo looked around and frowned. They were the most dressed up. People were dressed nicely, but no one else was in suits._   
>  _“David no one else is dressed up as fancy,” Matteo whispered._   
>  _“I know, it’s actually kind of casual, but I thought it would be special to dress up,” David said._
> 
> This year there is more to celebrate than just Christmas.

Matteo was so uncomfortable. David was making him wear a suit and he hated it. He looked at himself in the mirror and pulled at his collar, it was too tight and he felt like he was choking. There was a tie slung over his shoulder, but he didn’t know how to tie properly. Still. No matter how many times David showed him. This was a stupid idea. He was all for supporting David if he had a fancy event at the school, but that wasn’t even what was happening. It was supposed to be a date.

David walked in and grinned at him. Of course, he looked amazing, sharp black suit, tie done perfectly. Damn his boyfriend was the hottest. David just approached him, took the tie from his shoulder and tied it with ease, winking at him when he was done. Then he used it to pull Matteo in for a kiss. Surprisingly tender and gentle. And when he pulled back there was such a fond expression on his face that Matteo was so confused.

He had no idea what was going on.

“You look good,” David said, quietly.

“Why are we dressed up?” Matteo asked.

“Trust me?”

“Yeah of course, but-”

“Come on then,” David said, holding out his arm and leading him away.

When it turned out David was taking him to the opera, Matteo was even more confused. He had no idea what they were doing here, it wasn’t really their sort of thing. Not exactly Matteo’s scene. But he didn’t want to disappoint David so he put on a brave face but he was really nervous.

David just grinned at him as he showed his tickets.

Matteo looked around and frowned. They were the most dressed up. People were dressed nicely, but no one else was in suits.

“David no one else is dressed up as fancy,” Matteo whispered.

“I know, it’s actually kind of casual, but I thought it would be special to dress up,” David said.

“Why opera?” Matteo asked.

“Remember when we went to see Phantom on broadway?” David asked.

Matteo nodded, he’d loved that, it was his favourite thing about New York apart from David.

“That’s a musical though?” Matteo said.

“Yeah but I was talking to your mama and she suggested it, said it was romantic, and that you would like it,” David told him.

“Ok?”

“It’s La Boheme and it’s in Italian so you’ll even understand it,” David said.

Matteo still wasn’t convinced, but he would go along with it if it was what David wanted.

“You won’t,” he argued.

“Don’t care, I just wanna see your face,” David said.

“My face?”

“And mama told me to take you, she knows what she’s talking about,” David reminded him.

“You know she's kinda old right?” Matteo reminded him.

“Come on Matteo humour me, we’ll get food after and everything,” David promised.

“Ok,” Matteo said, letting David pull them to their seats.

“Are these fancy seats? They’re kinda close,” Matteo observed, wondering just how much money David was spending.

He remembered how much the show in New York cost.

“Broadway was expensive though, this was actually pretty reasonable forty-four euros each,” David said.

Matteo just squirmed in his seat. David smiled and reached across to loosen his tie. That was better, Matteo felt that he could breathe a little better.

“You hate this right?” David asked, but he didn’t seem upset.

“I don’t know yet,” Matteo admitted.

But he did, this wasn’t for him, he wasn’t fancy or cultured. He wasn’t sure why his mother suggested it or why David was going along with this. What if David had decided he did want all that stuff? Now that he was close to graduating maybe this was becoming more his scene. 

But then the music started and everything went still. Matteo stopped squirming in his suit, instantly forgot how uncomfortable it was. Forgot how he felt out of place. Matteo slipped forward in his seat to get closer. To hear better. Just let the music wash over him. And he got it, what his mother meant now. 

Beside him, David just took his hand and sat back. Matteo knew he was just watching him and not the show at all. Matteo didn’t care, he was captivated from the start. This was nothing like the show they saw in New York, it was on another level entirely. He was reminded of choir shows he saw when he was little, and family trips to Italy, his grandparents, his father, summers on the beach, the stories his mother used to tell him when he was small. It was so familiar to him. Not this story but sitting here in the opera house, listening to them singing in Italian. He swore he'd done this before. He was reminded of love and how in love he was with David. How it had been years and it hadn't faded, not one bit. And the power of that, it was what operas were written for. 

Matteo didn't think he moved throughout the performance, he only got up for the bathroom once in the interval.

Even when it was over he was still sitting there, just stunned by it.

“Did you like it?” David whispered.

“È stato bellissimo,” Matteo said reverently.

David cocked his head and smiled.

“Bellissimo is beautiful right?” David asked.

“Huh?”

“You’re speaking in Italian babe,” David said.

“I... oh sorry,” he said switching back to German.

“Don’t be it’s hot,” David said, taking his hand.

“Shh David,” Matteo said, shoving at him.

David just grinned and pressed a kiss to his overheated cheek. Then he stood up and led them away.

“So you liked it?” he asked, as they walked down the street.

“Yeah I really did, did you?” Matteo asked.

“Yes, it was amazing,” David said.

Matteo squinted at him, assessing him.

“Did you watch it?” he asked.

David laughed.

“I did... mostly, you were pretty distracting but I did,” David said.

“Did you understand it?” Matteo asked.

“There were subtitles above the stage,” David explained.

“There were?”

Matteo hadn’t even noticed.

“Well you didn't need them,” David said.

“Are we going to a fancy dinner then?” Matteo said.

He was feeling a little more comfortable in the suit now, almost confident. And David looked hot so it was worth it. 

“Nah, just to Sofia’s I thought you'd like that, more your speed yeah?” 

“But is it a special date David?” Matteo asked.

“It is,” David said.

“It’s so fancy though,” Matteo said, pulling at his tie.

David led them to the door of the cafe and held the door open for him.

“Hello Matteo, hello David,” Sofia said, greeting them and showing them inside.

It was just them, just one table laid out for the two of them. Candles lit. 

“There’s no one else here,” Matteo whispered.

“Yeah I thought it would be more romantic,” David said gesturing for him to sit down

Matteo felt his face heating up, at the way David was looking at him. This wasn’t just dinner, something was going on, but Matteo had no idea what, he just went along with it. 

“So what can I get you boys to drink? Champagne maybe?” Sofia asked.

“Yes that would be perfect,” David said.

So they were celebrating but what? It wasn’t their anniversary or anything like that. Had he forgotten something important? God, what if David had gotten a job, far away and this was all to soften the blow? 

“David?”

“Matteo trust me yeah?”

“You’re up to something?”

“It's nothing bad I promise. Can’t I take you out for an opera and a nice dinner?”

Matteo knew it couldn’t be anything bad not really, David would never do that to him. David was just trying to do something nice, but he wasn't good with surprises, they made him anxious, made his mind run away and all the scenarios he imagined were bad.

“You've cleared out the cafe David, sorry I’m getting nervous, please tell me what’s going on,” Matteo whispered.

David moved his chair closer to Matteo’s.

“Trust me. Give me an hour yeah? Let's just eat our food, and then I’ll tell you,” David said.

“David.”

“Matteo.”

Matteo took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them David was staring at him so fondly that he couldn't help but relax.

Nothing bad was going on. He was just paranoid. But David got that, and he was patient.

Sofia brought over the bottle of champagne in a bucket. They didn’t even sell champagne, it was a cafe. Which meant David had probably bought it and left it earlier.

“Food David? I know what you want Matteo,” Sofia said.

“I might want something different,” Matteo said.

“Do you?” she asked.

“No.”

“What should I get?” David asked.

“Get the bruschetta to start and the chicken Milanese,” Matteo suggested.

“Ok, I’ll have that please,” David said.

Sofia bustled off again. David just sat smiling at him.

“This is nice, we don’t do this a lot,” he said.

“What book out an entire restaurant?” Matteo asked.

“Go out on like fancy dates,” David said. “Would you like to do it more?”

“Not really,” Matteo admitted, “but maybe once in a while, I'd like to go see a show like that again,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok we’ll make it a thing for special occasions,” David promised

“Like this?”

“Yeah like this,” David said, not giving anything away.

Sofia brought out their food, and then made herself scarce.

“So you admit this is a special occasion?” Matteo asked.

“It is, now eat your food,” David said.

Matteo rolled his eyes but tucked into his pasta anyway, David wasn’t going to tell him until he was ready, he would just have to wait.

“Is it good?” he asked David as they ate.

“You’ve made this for me before?” David asked.

“Yeah a couple of times,” Matteo said.

“Yeah it's delicious, I like it,” David said.

“Is it better than mine?” Matteo asked. 

“Stop it,” David said.

“I won't tell Sofia,” Matteo teased.

David tapped his foot and shook his head fondly.

When they were done, Sofia came back and took away their plates. She asked them if they wanted any dessert and usually, Matteo would never turn down dessert but right now he couldn’t wait any longer.

“David,” he whispered before David could say anything.

“Not tonight Sofia, could you give us a little bit of time?” he asked.

“Of course darlings, Matteo knows where everything is anyway. I’ll leave you to it. Just shout if you need me,” she said.

Matteo frowned when he heard the back door closing, realising she’d gone upstairs to her apartment. She wouldn’t be coming back down again.

“Have you really not guessed what’s going on?” David asked him once she was gone.

“No David,” Matteo said.

David moved his chair again so that they were sitting almost side by side and he could press their knees together. He took Matteo’s hand and ran his thumb over his knuckles. Matteo began to relax again.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for about five months now,” David started.

“Go on a date?” Matteo asked.

“I promised you a month but then I just got all stuck in my head you know?”

Matteo nodded, he knew that feeling well. But what had David promised him? A month? Oh. Oh. He was dumb.

“The airport? Is this? Are you?”

David nodded. And everything suddenly made sense, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t figured it out.

“Ok. Ok. Fuck. Ok. Go on,” Matteo said.

“So I promised you a month but I wanted it to be perfect. So first I thought of making you a movie but I couldn’t make it perfect. I thought about maybe taking you to the pool but… that’s where we go when we run away and that didn’t seem right for this. Plus it would be hard to get you there as a surprise you know?”

Matteo nodded.

“So I started coming up with more and more ridiculous and elaborate ideas and just… none of them were perfect for you, and I started chickening out, and it was so hard because honestly Matteo there was nothing I wanted more than this. Don’t cry,” David whispered.

Matteo rubbed at his face furiously.

“Anything you would have done would have been perfect,” he insisted.

“Yeah, I went to see your mum in the end, that’s what she said too. Keep it simple. Jonas was absolutely useless by the way, Hanna too, just started crying no use at all. Even Laura just got all teary. I didn't dare ask Hans. So I had to go see her anyway just to let her know. And er… I asked her for ideas and she said the most romantic date she’d ever been on was to the opera when she was younger,” he told him.

“With my papa?”

That absolutely couldn't be true. 

“No with someone else,” David said, grinning.

“Oh,” Matteo said, he didn’t know that. 

“She said it’s why she did her Erasmus year in Italy,” David told him.

“Ah ok, big mistake that's how she met papa,” Matteo said.

“Not so big because that’s also how she got you,” David countered.

“True,” Matteo said. "Papa never proposed to her you know? She wanted a child so he said we better get married then," he told him. 

“Romantic," David said. 

"Yeah," Matteo said. 

"So mama said about the opera. She said they used to do like a junior showing, every once in a while. This was back when it was a lot less casual, but they let you take kids in on these shows. And your mum wanted you to see."

"Really? I almost remember," Matteo said. 

It had all felt so familiar. 

"Yeah she said you were so well behaved, she wasn't worried because you were so quiet anyway but you were instantly captivated just like she knew you would be, just like she was," David said. 

Matteo just nodded. 

"And then I remembered the musical we saw, and how similar the two of you are with things like that. You know the choir, that kind of thing,” David said.

“It was a good idea. I was really nervous but I really loved it David, mama used to take me to shows. I remember that it’s why I started singing. But I never knew we did that. That was beautiful, perfect,” Matteo said.

“Good and then, of course, she said I had to feed you,” David said.

“Of course, keep me in a good mood,” Matteo said.

“Exactly,” David said, “and then she said don’t overthink it just do it,” he said.

“Ok?”

“So I didn’t even prepare what I wanted to say,” David said.

“Just ask you know my answer,” Matteo said.

“No Matteo I’m making a speech,” David insisted.

So Matteo sat forward, listening intently.

“Matteo… I love you. I love you more than I could ever imagine loving anybody. When I met you I was so lonely, I was sad and angry and cold-”

“No,” Matteo said.

“Yes Matteo,” David said.

“No, you weren’t. You tried to be but you weren't cold, not even a little bit,” Matteo said.

“But I was sad and I was angry,” David said.

“Yeah.”

“And I met you and you were lonely and sad, so damn sad, and it was before that, before I even met you, you walked through the corridors with your head down just like me but then you looked up that time, just when I did and I saw it,” David said.

“What?”

“The sadness was the same as mine, you were hiding just like me and I had to know you, for a second I forgot everything because I had to know you. And I didn’t do anything obviously but then I met you and we talked and you were so hard to ignore. And I tried so hard, but I just couldn’t ignore you. Couldn’t stay away from you. Do you know when I first started to realise I loved you?" David asked. 

It was a redundant question. David had told him a hundred times by now. But Matteo loved to hear it. They’d talked about this before many times but Matteo liked talking about it. Could have this conversation over and over again.

"The night before you told me you were trans?" Matteo said. 

"Yeah, when we laid together, that night before I came out to you," David agreed. 

"Why?" Matteo asked, even though he knew the answer.

"Like I didn’t quite get it, but that’s what it was. I came over planning to tell you and then you just held me and I didn’t say anything, didn’t explain anything and you still held me all night. And every time I moved or turned away you moved closer to keep holding me and even though I was fucking terrified, I still felt completely safe. And I just kept thinking it’s going to be ok because you love him. And maybe he loves you too," David said. 

"I did," Matteo insisted. 

"Yeah?" David asked, but he knew this already, just going through the motions of the conversation. 

"Yeah, like I didn’t know till I was talking to Hans a few days later and-" 

"Right and Hans was asking you all those questions?" David asked. 

"Hans was asking me what I loved about you and I was just listing all this shit and then I realised it was just everything, I loved all this stuff about you because I loved you. But then when I think about it, it must have been before that. Must have been when I told Jonas because I said all similar stuff to him even though I was hurting so much. So I did. I loved you then. I maybe didn't know or understand but I did," Matteo said, confident that this was his truth. 

"Yes. Right. So I’ve loved you all this time, but even then when I knew you felt the same way I still didn’t think I could have this. I still kinda kept waiting for the shoe to drop and you to change your mind. But that actually passed pretty quickly too," David said. 

"Good. That's good because I would never change my mind," Matteo insisted. 

"I know," David said. "But there’s one more story," he said. 

"Ok?" 

"Do you remember when I was applying to film school? No, wait when I got in but I hadn’t started yet? Man, I remember I was stressing that entire time, but remember I was really wound up about my first day? Because no matter how cool or charming you think I am I’m not as confident as you think," David said. 

"I know," Matteo said. 

David wasn't shy, not at all, but he wasn't good with new people. Wasn't good at trusting them. Which was fair, people had been shitty in the past, but it still affected his relationships to this day. 

"So I was really nervous, I really wanted to make friends but at the same time, I was afraid of anyone knowing me. And everyone… everyone kept telling me it would be fine. That I would have a great time and make tons of friends and everything would be wonderful. And do you remember the night before I started?"

"Maybe," Matteo said. 

He didn't though. 

"I asked you if you thought it would be ok," David said. 

Matteo couldn’t really remember, he remembered David being worried, stressed about the application and starting a new school. He knew that was traumatic for him too, so all Matteo could do was be there for him.

“And you were the only one who was honest. Do you remember what you said?" David asked. 

Matteo shook his head.

“You said you didn’t know. You had no idea what was going to happen, that you knew I could do school just fine, but would I have a good time? Would it be as wonderful as everyone said? You didn’t know, you didn’t know if I would make all these friends that everyone said. Probably but you couldn’t promise it. So you wouldn't lie. But what you could promise? That you would always be there for me. No matter what happened. And I realised it would be ok no matter what. Because you were so fucking honest that I knew it was the truth. You really would be there forever. This was forever for you," David said. 

"Er… yeah," Matteo said. 

He didn't really remember any of that, but it was absolutely the truth. 

"And I wanted it to be my forever too. Because I would do well. And probably would make friends and maybe they would stay, maybe they would go. But it didn't matter because you really were sticking around, you loved me and accepted me and considered me to be your future and I was just blown away," David said. 

There were tears streaming down his face and Matteo knew he wasn’t doing much better.

Then David got up from the chair and got down on one knee, pulling out a small black box. And it was happening, Matteo just needed to hold it together a few moments more, but it was going to be a struggle. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. He was shaking. 

“Matteo," David said. 

“David," he whispered.

"I once told you I didn't believe in fate, remember?" David asked. 

Matteo nodded.

"But I also told you it was ok to be alone when I was terribly lonely, so I was obviously talking bullshit. I still don’t think I believe in fate, not in the way we were talking about. I need to make my own choices. I need control over my life. And I don’t know if I believe in soulmates, I know that doesn’t sound romantic or anything. But let me tell you what I do believe in. I believe in you. I believe you are the perfect person. For me. You know how you always say that about me? How I understand you, how we just make sense. It’s true, you understand me like no one else ever has. You always know what I need, and how to be there for me. You know why I don’t believe in soulmates? Because it’s too easy. Soulmate to me implies that you meet someone and that’s it happily ever after, easy. And yes I met you, and yes I loved you almost instantly but it’s so much more than that. It’s not easy, we didn’t walk into this blindly. We fought hard for each other, fought ourselves, and we won Matteo. We won. And I want to keep winning with you forever. For the rest of our lives. And how I say making my own choices are important? Matteo, you are my choice. We aren't destined, I made the choice. And I will always choose you. So, Matteo, will you marry me?” David asked, holding out the box with shaking hands.

Matteo clasped David’s hands in his own and the shaking stopped immediately. David looked up at him with shining eyes.

“Yes,” Matteo whispered. “Yes. Yes. Yes!” he whispered. 

David pulled his hands free and took the ring out of the box, carefully placing it on Matteo’s finger. It was a thick black band sandwiched between two thin silver bands. Eight small gold rivets setting it in place. It felt so heavy on his finger and it warmed to his skin instantly. Matteo twisted it round and round, running his thumb over it. It felt perfect. Like it was always meant to be there.

David beamed at him, tears tracking down his face. Matteo could feel his own cheeks hot and wet. His eyes aching from trying to hold back the tears this long. So he gave up and they began to fall in earnest. His breath choked in his throat as he tried to gulp in enough air and his shoulders shook uncontrollably as he sobbed. David just held his hands until it passed and Matteo could breathe again. Matteo pulled them free to run a hand through his hair and try to wipe his face.

“David I’m so happy,” Matteo gasped.

“Me too Matteo,” David whispered, “me too, I’m so happy,” he whispered.

David was still frozen in place, on his knees in front of him. So Matteo slid down from the chair and knelt in front of him. His fiance. Matteo held his hands out and David grabbed them again and squeezed them tight, rubbing his thumb over the ring. He took a gasping breath and then another, and then he let go of Matteo's hands grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss. Matteo went willingly. It was desperate and messy and perfect. It was everything. He never wanted to stop, he loved David so much it was all-consuming, it was never-ending. 

Christmas dinner that year was a mix of celebrating both Christmas and Matteo and David’s engagement.

Mama was so happy for them, all night she’d kept looking over at him and smiling, or sometimes getting teary. Laura wasn’t much better, and Lise, Laura’s girlfriend, was really happy for them too. 

Mama was extra pleased that she’d helped David with the proposal.

She was currently telling Laura and Lise about her first boyfriend, the one who had taken her to the opera that time. Matteo had never heard this story and he was only half-listening. But it was hard to concentrate, he was on David’s lap, slouched down, and David was playing with his hair. Matteo was fiddling with his ring, twisting it around on his finger. The weight of it comforted him. David had a matching one now, so he could fidget with that too when they held hands. David pretended to be annoyed, wanting to hold hands properly, but he wasn’t, not really.

But Matteo was sleepy and he couldn’t stay awake, it had been a long day. It had been lovely but he’d eaten so much and drank a lot of wine and he couldn’t keep his eyes open. They were heavy and itchy and every time he tried to open them they fell shut again.

“Oh this has been such a fun night!” mama said, “my two boys! Getting married, what a wonderful Christmas present,” she said.

Matteo felt her stroke his face and he smiled.

“You're going to have such a wonderful life together, it’s going to be perfect. David, I’m so glad Matteo met you, you make him so happy,” she said.

“You do,” Matteo whispered.

“It’s so good, isn’t it?” Laura said.

Matteo was too tired to open his eyes but he kept smiling.

“Anyway kids it’s getting late, I’ll call you all a cab get you all home,” mama said.

Matteo just groaned and snuggled closer to David, not wanting to move. He didn’t want to go outside, it was cold and he was tired. He just sighed when David held him tighter.

“Would it be ok if we stayed?” David asked.

“I… er… both of you?”

Matteo slowly forced his eyes open, blinking at her. She was watching him warily. All he could manage was to nod before his eyes slipped closed again.

“Of course, of course,” she said, “Matteo you and David can have your room, and girls you can have the guest room if you like, I don’t want you two trekking across town at this hour either,” she said.

Matteo heard her sniffle.

“Don’t cry mama,” he whispered.

“I’m just happy sweetheart, I’m just so happy. It means so much that you feel comfortable staying,” she said.

“It’s safe, I feel safe here again,” he said.

Matteo heard his mum start to cry properly, and opened his eyes, but he didn’t need to move. Laura was already on it, hugging her close, Lise beaming at them from the sofa. He looked up at David who was smiling down at him.

“Safe?”

He nodded.

“Bed?”

He nodded again. David smiled and helped him up.

“We’re gonna go to bed Julia,” David said.

She broke free of Laura and came over and hugged them both. 

“Good night darlings, sleep well, I’ll see you in the morning,” she said. “Don’t worry Matteo there will be breakfast ready for you.” 

Everyone laughed even Matteo because she was so happy.

“Night mama,” Matteo said sleepily.

David helped Matteo all the way upstairs before dumping him on his bed once out of sight of the others. 

“Ow!” Matteo exclaimed.

“You’re heavy! Also, this is not going to be a comfortable night's sleep! We should've taken that taxi,” David said, gesturing to the tiny bed.

Matteo just grinned up at him sleepily.

“Didn’t want to leave yet,” he said.

“Are you… can you wake up, just for a bit?” David asked quietly.

With great effort, Matteo managed to open his eyes properly. David was frowning slightly, worrying over something. Matteo pulled himself up and made space for David on the tiny bed.

“What’s up?” 

David squeezed into the bed beside him and wordlessly handed over his phone. Matteo took it, it was open on the messages app.

_ Hi mum dad _

_ Just giving you an update on my life. I know you don’t care or won’t even read this but I thought you might like to know I'm finally in my last year of film school. After Christmas I'll start looking for internships. I know you don’t agree but I got a letter from the hospital a month ago and I’m having my surgery in February. I’m sure you hate the idea but it makes me really happy. It’s so important to me. Finally last week I proposed to my boyfriend Matteo. Mum, dad, he makes me so happy, I am in love and I’m going to get married. _

And then two days later, first thing this morning. 

_ David, _

_ I’m sorry for that letter I sent you years ago. I’m sorry that’s the only contact we’ve had in all this time. I guess I had always hoped you had changed your mind about all this, but it’s been almost six years since you left us. I’m sorry. Sorry it’s taken us this long to realise that this is your truth. David I want to try. Dad wants to try. We want to be your parents again. _

_ mum _

“Wow,” Matteo whispered.

“I know,” David said.

“What do you want to do?” Matteo asked.

“I don’t know,” David admitted.

“Send that then,” Matteo suggested.

“How do you mean?”

“Tell them that, that you’re not ready yet, but that you’re not shutting them out,” Matteo said.

“That’s good I like that,” David said.

Matteo watched David type out a message, send it, lock his phone and toss it aside.

“It’s late they won’t reply,” David said burying his face in Matteo's shoulder. 

But before he could settle down his phone buzzed, David snatched it up and read whatever the message said.

“Well, what does it say?” Matteo demanded when David didn’t say anything.

“David, we understand, take your time and get in touch when you’re ready,” David read aloud.

"That’s… wow! That's ok, that’s good right?" Matteo asked. 

"Yeah. They really want to try," David said. 

"So take your time yeah? Start slow, you can still rebuild this," Matteo promised. 

He promised because he knew it was true. They could heal. Three years ago he was sure he would never speak to his dad again. But now they texted pretty regularly, and while he could never forgive him for leaving, that didn't mean they couldn't have some sort of relationship. It was broken and fragile, and nothing like what it should be, but Matteo tried, and his father tried really hard and slowly they were healing. 

"I- Matteo they might love me again," David said with such hope in his voice. 

"David I doubt they ever stopped," Matteo said. 

"I want them back, is that wrong?" 

"No David it isn’t wrong at all, they’re your parents and they’re supposed to love you. They're supposed to be there for you. You don’t need them not anymore, but it’s ok for you to want them," Matteo said.

"And if they fuck up again?

"Then you’ll be fine, you're so strong. And you have your real family now too," Matteo said. 

Because even if David let them back into his life, there would always be that shadow over them. Because they had rejected him. They'd placed a condition on their love and that was something David could never forget. They could be part of his life again but they would never be his true family again. 

"I do," David agreed quietly, settling down against Matteo. 

He huffed at the tiny amount of space they had but Matteo didn't care, he was perfectly comfortable with David sprawled over him. He didn't get overheated like his fiance, so he would sleep perfectly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, not every Christmas is perfect, but as long as they are together everything will be ok...


	5. 2023

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _David sat down beside him, close, watching him carefully._
> 
> _“Whatever you’re thinking I want you to stop, right now Matteo,” David said._
> 
> _“It’s my fault David, I let this happen, David god I haven’t visited in weeks,” Matteo cried._
> 
> Not every Christmas can be perfect, but he doesn't need perfect. As long as his family are safe and together, nothing else matters.

Matteo wanted to tear his hair out. He was so anxious he couldn’t breathe. Everything had been so calm for so long he’d almost forgotten how to handle this. Almost forgotten his breathing exercises. How to do the counting his therapist had taught him years ago. Not that any of that was helping him right now.

They’d all been doing so well. Mama had been doing so well, for years now that Matteo had almost forgotten she could crash again. And crashed she had and now Matteo just felt lost and helpless, like he was fifteen again. He’d gotten her home, gotten her to bed. And then nothing. He had no idea what to do, had ended up pacing, wandering his mother's house aimlessly, just lost.

There was a knock at the front door and Matteo dragged himself to it. No one was supposed to come over. He didn’t even know if his mum got visitors. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. But he opened it slowly and to his great relief, David was standing there.

“Hey,” he said softly, smiling where he stood in the doorway.

Matteo had texted him when they got back, letting him know he probably wouldn’t be coming home tonight. But he hadn’t expected David to show up. He didn’t really know why, of course, David would come, he knew when Matteo needed him, and he was always there.

“You didn't have to come you’re supposed to be working,” Matteo said quietly, but he stepped aside and let David into the house.

He felt guilty pulling David away from work.

“This is more important, how’s mama?” David asked, taking off his scarf and jacket.

He dropped his rucksack on the floor with a heavy thunk. It vaguely registered that David didn’t usually carry so much stuff around, but his brain was too slow and fuzzy to figure it out. 

“She’s just having a difficult time right now, she needs me,” Matteo said.

“I know, I get it, and you need me so I’m here for you yeah?” David said, “here,” he said, handing him a duffel bag.

“What’s this?” Matteo asked, taking it from him, it was heavy.

“I went home, grabbed you some stuff, we’ll stay here a few days yeah?” David said.

Matteo closed his eyes but it didn’t stop the tears from falling. David stepped forward and pulled him into his arms, hushing him and stroking his hair.

“She’s just so sad David, and she went to church last night, at nearly midnight and she tried to get in but Father Tomas brought her home, and I took her to the hospital this morning, and they assessed her and adjusted her meds, but she’s calmed down now, and I asked them to discharge her. I want to take care of her myself, I don’t want her in the hospital over Christmas,” Matteo explained, trying not to ramble.

“Where is she now?” David asked gently.

“Sleeping,” Matteo told her.

“Good, that’s good, come sit down,” David said, leading him to the living room.

Matteo dropped his bag and followed David, collapsing heavily on the sofa.

Matteo was grateful that he didn’t comment on the state of the house, the dishes piled up in the sink and on the table. The way the piles of mail had stacked up. The black bags filled with what Matteo presumed to be rubbish. The stale smell that was permeating every room. David didn’t say a word.

Matteo felt so guilty, how had he let things get this bad? How had he not noticed? He racked his brain trying to think of the last time he visited, last time he called, it had been weeks. What was wrong with him? How could he have been so selfish? This was all his fault.

David sat down beside him, close, watching him carefully.

“Whatever you’re thinking I want you to stop, right now Matteo,” David said.

“It’s my fault David, I let this happen, David god I haven’t visited in weeks,” Matteo cried.

“You visited two weeks ago, Tuesday,” David reminded him. “You’re in uni full time and you’re still adjusting. You’re doing really well. But you’ve had three projects due at the end of term, and an interview for the internship next term, you’ve got a lot going on and even though you haven’t had time to visit you called her just three days ago and she sounded ok,” he said.

“But she wasn’t,” Matteo said.

David squeezed his knee, he could tell how panicky he was. But it wasn’t helping, he was too on edge.

“I know, but you couldn’t have known,” he insisted.

“But if I wasn’t so busy, David if I hadn’t been working so much, if I called more, if I just visited-”

“Breathe Matteo,” David said, placing a hand on his chest and holding him against the sofa. “If you had noticed what would have happened?” he asked.

“I would have taken care of her,” Matteo insisted.

“But this would have still happened?” he asked.

It probably would have, but he would have been there for her, it wouldn’t have gotten so bad.

“I…”

“She would have still gotten like this? Or could you stop it?” David asked.

Matteo frowned, not quite understanding where David was going. But he couldn’t stop it, he’d never been able to stop it.

“No but I could have gotten her to the hospital,” Matteo said.

“Before what?” David asked.

Before… nothing had really happened, not compared to how it used to be. But she’d gone out.

“Before... before she went out at night,” Matteo said.

“But she’s ok?”

“But she was alone, she was scared,” Matteo said.

She’d been so scared in the hospital she’d barely recognised Matteo, but when he’d first gotten to the house and found her with Father Tomas she was ok. Very confused, rambling a lot, but she hadn’t been scared.

“But she’s ok,” David said.

“David,” he said.

“I know Matteo but she is ok, she’s not hurt?”

“No,” he said.

“I know you said she went out, but she went to church, it’s only a few streets over,” David said.

It didn't matter, it was his fault.

“David,” Matteo said.

“Father Tomas lives there right? Or near?” 

“David stop,” Matteo whispered.

This was his fault.

“He lives there yes?”

“Yes in the rectory,” Matteo said.

“So he was always going to be there when she turned up?” David asked.

“David stop it, this is my fault,” Matteo said.

David shook his head and pulled Matteo against him.

“But what happened is that your mum needed an adjustment to her meds. It happens sometimes. This was bound to happen eventually, you know this. And she’s been doing so well, Matteo even her therapist didn’t pick up on it,” David said.

But he was her son, he would have noticed if he’d been there.

“It’s no excuse,” Matteo said.

“It’s not your fault,” David said calmly.

It was.

“David-”

“It’s not your fault,” David repeated.

It was.

“I-”

“It’s not your fault do you understand?” David said firmly, placing his hands on his shoulders.

He squeezed them until Matteo looked up at him, meeting his eyes. He was so certain, David was sure of this. Maybe he was right.

“Do you understand?” he whispered.

Matteo stared at him. He’d missed all the signs, but there weren’t really any. Melinda her therapist had said the same thing at the hospital, it was a very sudden crash. She’d been putting on a brave face for him and everyone, but the depression had set in and things at home had started to slide. The paranoia though, that was sudden.

But David was right she hadn’t come to any harm. Yes she’d gone out at night but she’d gone to church, it’s the first place she always went. And Father Tomas knew everything and was so good about it all. He’d stayed with her until Matteo got there. She was safe. She was never in any danger really, but he just felt so guilty for being so busy.

But it wasn’t his fault if this was always going to happen. He couldn’t have stopped it. And he was there for her now. 

It wasn’t his fault.

He started to relax.

“I’m sorry I pulled you out of work, I was just stressing, I didn’t think. I should have waited,” Matteo said.

David shook his head.

“You needed me more,” he said.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered. 

A door slammed and he heard his mother running down the stairs.

“Matteo! Matteo! We have to get back to church!” she cried frantically from the door. 

Matteo closed his eyes for a moment, then took a deep breath. He stood up and approached her carefully.

“No mama not today ok? I’ll take you in the morning,” Matteo begged.

“Matteo no we need to pray! I need to pray for you! I need to keep you safe!”

David stood up now too, Matteo saw him out of the corner of his eye, but he stayed back. Just waiting to take direction from Matteo. 

Matteo just wanted to cry, he used to be so good at handling this. He thought he could still manage but perhaps he couldn’t do this anymore. Maybe he should have let her stay in the hospital, but she hated it there, he hated it there, he couldn’t stand to leave her behind.

“Mama please,” he begged.

The tears began to fall again then. That seemed to get through to her, she was already a lot calmer than this morning in the hospital. She blinked at him.

“Matteo?”

“Yes mama it’s me,” Matteo said, so relieved that she recognised him.

“Oh… everything’s a bit muddled, where’s your papa?” she asked.

“Papa’s in Italy now,” Matteo said carefully.

And there was clarity in her eyes now and he felt like he would pass out from the relief. 

“Yes I remember now, you’re going to see him?” she said.

“After Christmas yeah, me and David,” he reminded her, reaching out and taking her hands.

“I think you told me, everything's all confused in my head,” she said.

“I did,” Matteo said. 

“Christmas is soon isn’t it?” she asked.

“Yeah next week,” Matteo said.

“I’m sorry Matteo,” she whispered.

“It’s ok mama,” he said, pulling her into his arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Please don’t cry,” Matteo begged.

“Let’s go sit down yeah?” David suggested, ushering them into the living room and toward the couch. 

They both sat down and Matteo watched quietly as David began to tidy up around them.

"I'm so sorry David, what must you think of me?" she whispered, hanging her head in shame. 

David dropped the bag he was holding and crouched down in front of her. 

"Please don't do that," he said gently, "I promise nothing could ever make me think less of you. You're going through a really hard time right now and I promise there is nowhere I'd rather be than here taking care of you," he said firmly. 

She nodded but didn't speak. 

Matteo smiled at him gratefully. David just shrugged and smiled back at him. Matteo was so glad he was here with him. It was so hard before, when he had to do this alone. He used to be so scared, and so wound up with stress it would make him sick.

But he wasn’t alone anymore. He was stronger now too, and he had David and it would never be like it was. He never had to do this alone again.

"He's so good Matteo," she whispered when David left them to go make some tea. 

"He is," Matteo agreed.

A week later and Matteo was surprisingly not that stressed. He was cooking Christmas dinner in their tiny kitchen. Dinner for him, David, Laura, Lise, and his mama. But he had it all under control, and this was surprisingly easy. Well not easy, but manageable, he supposed working in a cafe all these years had given him an edge in the kitchen. 

He’d had things in order. The meat was in the oven, vegetables ready to go in later. Dessert was chilling in the fridge, but then Laura had poured him a large glass of wine and things started getting a little off track. But he’d set various timers. It would be fine. He had this down. He’d only had a couple of sips anyway, before putting the glass up on the windowsill.

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching his family dance around the tiny living room. David was a bit drunk, Laura tipsy, Lise was still sober, and watching them with amusement. Mama sat on the sofa, smiling. She was still a little withdrawn, but happy enough to be there.

“Matteo!” David said, marching up to him and smacking a kiss on his lips. His lips were pink from the wine and he looked adorable. 

“Hi babe, having fun?” Matteo asked, reaching out and stroking his face.

“For Christmas next year I’m gonna buy you a massive kitchen,” David said.

“You’re gonna buy me a kitchen? Where will you put it?” Matteo teased.

The joke went right over his head.

“I’ll buy you a kitchen and a house with a nice garden,” David promised, deadly serious.

“Sounds expensive,” Matteo said, wrapping an arm around David’s waist to stop him dancing away from him.

“I’ll be famous by then it won’t matter, money will be no object Matteo,” David insisted.

“More wine Matteo!” Laura shouted, trying to fill his glass again.

“No Laura I’m driving you all home later,” Matteo reminded her.

“Such a grown-up,” she said, pressing a kiss to his cheek and flouncing off again.

“Matteo,” his mother said quietly from the sofa.

Matteo kissed David again, then gently untangled himself from his boyfriend. He walked over to the sofa and sat down beside his mother.

“Hey mama how are you doing?” he asked.

“Everything’s a little loud,” she whispered. 

“Would you like to take a nap?” Matteo asked.

She nodded. Matteo took her hand and led her to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry Matteo,” she said.

“No its fine, you sleep a little and I’ll wake you before dinner ok?” Matteo said.

“You’re such a good boy Matteo, I’m so proud of you,” she said, hugging him tight.

“Love you mama,” he said gently.

She was doing fine, adjusting well to her meds, just exhausted from the after-effects of the episode. But she'd insisted she was fine to do Christmas and he'd trusted her judgement. But he'd taken over the cooking that year which he knew was a relief for her. 

He left her to rest and headed back to the living room, they were all waiting quietly for him to come back. They'd turned the music down low. 

“All ok?” Lise asked.

“Yeah just... it’s a lot sometimes,” Matteo explained.

“Sorry we got too loud,” Laura said. 

“No worries,” Matteo said, he walked into the kitchen to check on the food, even though it wasn't nearly ready yet. 

David followed him in.

“Hey,” David said.

“Hey, drunk?” Matteo asked.

“A bit, but I love you,” he said.

“I know,” Matteo said quietly.

“You’re sad,” David said, stroking his face.

“A bit,” Matteo admitted.

“Worried about mama?” David asked.

Matteo knelt down and peered in the oven. He knew that the food was nowhere near done, but he didn’t want to look at David right now. He might start crying if he did.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

David wasn’t having it though, he reached down and pulled him back up, pulling him close. Matteo sniffled against his shoulder. Everything was ok now, he didn’t even know why he was crying.

“She’ll be ok,” David promised.

“I know,” Matteo said.

“Matteo?”

“Yeah?”

“I wasn’t kidding before,” David said.

Matteo pulled back to look at him.

“What do you mean?”

“About the kitchen, I'll buy you a big one, and a whole apartment too. Or not buy, but we can rent somewhere nicer though,” he promised.

Matteo smiled, wondering how much wine David had been drinking. 

“Ok?” he said fondly.

David stepped toward him.

“I’m not joking,” he said.

“I know,” Matteo said.

“You’re suffering right now, how can I make it better?” David asked.

“You can’t,” Matteo said with a sigh.

“Until we get somewhere bigger I think we should clear out the office,” David said.

Matteo stared at him, wondering where David was going and how much was the wine talking. His thoughts seemed to be all over the place. 

“How will that help?” Matteo asked.

He wasn’t sure he had the patience for this kind of talk right now. If David was going to start with silly ideas, Matteo just wasn’t in the mood. Not today.

“For when mama gets like this, she might get better quicker here. I know you hate her being home alone, this way we can keep an eye on her,” David suggested.

Oh. Matteo sniffed and closed his eyes but the tears began to fall. David stepped forward and wiped them away.

“You’d do that?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah, it’s important. I know you worry about this, we’ll never let her be all alone. I know you’ve gotten better at staying over, but it stresses you out, especially when she’s in a bad way. It’s scary for you, traumatic, wouldn’t it be easier if she stayed here?” David said.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

“For what?” David asked.

“Being amazing,” Matteo said, gazing at him fondly.

“I am amazing,” David agreed.

“The most amazing,” Matteo said.

“How long till dinner?” David asked.

Matteo looked at the clock.

“About an hour,” Matteo told him.

“Dance with me,” David said.

“There’s no music,” Matteo argued.

“Dance with me Matteo it’s Christmas,” David insisted.

Matteo caved easily and allowed David to pull his arms and twirl him around the tiny kitchen. It was completely ridiculous. But they were ridiculously in love.

“You’re drunk David you should stay off the wine,” Matteo said. 

"I’d be dancing with you sober too," David insisted. 

"I love you," Matteo said. 

"Merry Christmas Matteo,” David said.

Even though it was hard, even though they were going through a hard time now, it was Christmas and Matteo was ok. Not as happy as usual or excited, but he was ok. They were going to have a nice meal, his mother was going to be fine, she would eat with them, and they would take care of her. It was Christmas and his family was here with him. It was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up adjusting to adulthood is even harder than Matteo thought, but David is there as always...
> 
> Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter I appreciate them so much. I was really nervous about it, I kept thinking it was too much over the top, I so almost changed it and toned it down. But I loved it too much so I kept it exactly as I'd written it, and I'm glad everyone else liked it too.
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


	6. 2024

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You listen to everything I say,” Matteo whispered._
> 
> _David just frowned, confused._
> 
> _“Well yeah?”_
> 
> _“You really listen and you remember it and you think about it later,” Matteo said._
> 
> _“Yes Matteo, because it’s important to me,” David said like it was the most obvious thing in the world._
> 
> This year it's time to start new traditions

It had been a long year this one. Matteo thought the adjustment from part-time uni and part-time working to studying full time at uni was a big one. He'd switched to complete his course in four years because two of his professors said he was close enough that he should go for it, and he could stay the fifth year if it was needed. 

And it had been hard. But it was nothing compared to this. Studying full time was one thing. Working full time as a developer at a fast-paced growing tech company was something else entirely. And Matteo didn’t think he could handle it. He’d been there four months already and nothing had changed or improved. 

He was exhausted. He was depressed. It was the middle of December and right now Matteo didn’t think he could make it to the end of the year. And then the next year after that. He could barely even open his eyes.

They were in the car David was taking them somewhere. Matteo hadn’t even asked, hadn’t questioned it, he didn’t care. He was trying but he just didn’t care. He’d just curled up in the passenger seat and closed his eyes.

“Doing ok?” David asked.

Matteo shrugged and finally opened his eyes. He blinked and looked around. He was confused, he’d lost track of time, he couldn’t tell where they were, somewhere in the countryside. Surrounded by snow-covered fields.

“Where are we?” he asked, voice croaky.

“We went past Stuttgart a while back, we’re about an hour away now,”

“What? Where are we going?”

“Lindau remember, you came to visit me there on set last year? When I was filming that horror short on the lake. And we went walking in the woods and found those old cabins. I’ve rented us one, not the run down ones, a nicer one. I thought it would be nice. Just us.” David explained.

“For the weekend?”

That was far to go if they had to go back Sunday night, they wouldn’t get back until the early hours. He already felt exhausted at the thought. David was trying to do a nice thing for him, but all he wanted to do was stay in bed. He felt so ungrateful.

“No,” David said quietly. He nodded ahead and Matteo saw a layby was coming up in five miles. He sat back and waited, wondering what David was up to.

When they pulled into the layby, David switched off the engine and turned to him.

“What’s going on?” Matteo asked.

“Ok I know we have our traditions at Christmas and I love them, but I thought we could do something a bit different for Christmas this year,” he said.

Matteo frowned, it was only December 14th, what was David planning?

“What?” he asked, ashamed of how shaky his voice was.

“I thought we could go away for a while, just us yeah?” David suggested.

“But I have work,” Matteo argued, starting to feel stressed.

He couldn’t do this now. He didn’t dare miss work. He didn’t have time for a holiday he had so much to do. He had three back to back meetings on Monday and he hadn’t prepared at all. Because he hadn’t had time, because he’d had meetings all day, and no time to work on his projects. And he’d left work early, by half an hour, because David wanted to do something nice. He was never going to catch up. What was he going to do? He didn’t want to disappoint David.

“I called in, I booked all the holiday you haven’t used yet, I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have and I'm sure they’ll let you cancel if you don't want this but it thought it was a good idea,” David said.

“How long until?” Matteo asked quietly, starting to tremble.

“Mid January,” David told him.

Matteo couldn’t help it, he started to cry, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his face, the relief was so intense he couldn’t stop it. That was almost a month. He didn’t have to go back for a month. He didn’t have to go back to that awful, dimly lit office, with all the noise of all the other workers struggling just like him. His bosses leaning over him, pressuring him to work faster. And the meetings, so many meetings he was never able to get into any kind of flow with his work. He felt nothing but sheer relief at the thought. He started gasping with it, couldn’t catch his breath. He didn’t have to go back.

David got out of the car and walked around to his side. He crouched down in front of him and placed his hands on his knees, squeezing them.

“You need this Matteo,” David said gently.

“And you have the time too?” Matteo asked.

“I do, I have nothing scheduled until February,” David said.

“Where?”

“Berlin. Don’t worry, it’s a show, a crime thing. No location work for a while,” David assured him.

Matteo closed his eyes as David stroked his face, gently wiping away his tears.

“Ok?” 

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Just us for a month,” David said.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

David nodded and got back into the driver’s seat. They set off again and Matteo smiled for what felt like the first time in months. It almost hurt his face.

“You better not scratch my car,” Matteo mumbled sleepily as he sat back and closed his eyes again.

“Fuck off Matteo,” David muttered, but once they were going he took one hand off the wheel and clasped Matteo’s hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles, soothing him into an easy slumber.

The cabin David had booked was beautiful and Matteo never wanted to leave. He wanted to stay here, away from the rest of the world, forever. He hadn’t left once. David had taken the car to town a few times to get food but Matteo stayed put. He was all ready to become a recluse. It was a nice life.

He was doing better now, away from it all. Just being here with David was what he needed. Actually, that wasn’t true, David was helping yes, but he’d seen what he needed and it was to get away from work. He didn’t even need to be all the way out here, he could have had the month away in the apartment, it was not working that he needed. But this was nice. No one could find him here. He just imagined his inbox filling up, but he didn’t care, his phone was switched off. There was no one he needed to contact. He’d used David’s to call his mother when he arrived and that was it, she understood.

Now it was Christmas Day and they were sitting out by the frozen lake, wrapped in heavy wool blankets. The woods were silent around them. It felt like they were the only two people in the world. David was behind him, Matteo pulled against his chest, David’s chin over his shoulder. He was telling him about the new show he was going to be working on. The one about the journalist and the detective. Matteo was interested, anything that David made was good. But honestly, Matteo was just glad it would keep him in Berlin for the next year. 

Although David had kept to his promise that he'd made after New York. He never went far. In fact, the furthest he’d been was some location shoot in northern Sweden. It was supposed to be for three months, but after only a month David had had to come back for a week. And then again every few weekends once he’d gone back. Neither of them had gotten any better at the distance. But it was fine because he never went anywhere that he couldn’t get back from easily.

“I wanna quit,” Matteo said suddenly, cutting off David’s story.

“Good,” David said simply. 

“Good?”

“I want you to quit too,” he said.

“I…”

“I never want to be someone who tells you what to do. But since the first week you’ve been there I've been desperate to tell you to quit,” David said, pulling Matteo in closer so he could see his face.

“I can’t do it like I keep thinking it’s only been a few months but David I can’t face it. I’m not cut out for this,” Matteo said.

It just wasn’t getting any easier, he thought it was just the adjustment period but he was starting to realise this was how it would always be. And it was crushing him.

“You can do it just fine if all they asked of you was your actual fucking job Matteo, but they’re overworking you, all of the employees really and it’s not ok,” David said, squeezing him tight, so tight. It always helped.

“I‘m so tired,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“I’m fucking exhausted,” Matteo said.

“I know,” David said.

“I can’t go back, I can’t,” Matteo said.

“Then don’t,” David said.

It wasn’t that simple though. It was a good job, he was lucky to have it too. He needed to work, and this job was what he’d studied all those years for.

“Money?” he said.

“We’ll figure it out,” David said.

“But-”

“We’ll work something out. We’ll talk about it. We’ll make a plan but Matteo I was never going to let you go back. I was going to wait till after Christmas and I was ready to beg you not to go back. I didn’t care if it upset you or made you hate me but I wasn’t going to let you go back,” David admitted.

He wondered if he should be upset, some people would be but Matteo was nothing but relieved. David knew what he needed before he even fully knew what he needed himself. He always knew. But he waited for Matteo to figure it out, helped him, pushed him in the right direction. And Matteo knew what he wanted. And that was to never step foot in that office again.

“Maybe you should have just quit for me instead of booking a holiday,” Matteo suggested.

“I would never do that,” David said.

His face was serious.

“I know. I’m really struggling, is it supposed to be like this?” Matteo asked.

“How do you mean?” David asked.

“You like your job?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah,” David said.

“And even though it’s hard and sometimes you need to travel and you miss home and stuff,” Matteo said.

“But I still love it, even when it is hard, I love it and I make it work,” David said.

Matteo closed his eyes and leant back further, he didn’t think he could get any closer if he tried. It was freezing out there, definitely subzero, snow on the bare trees and the ground. He could see his breath in front of his face. But snuggled under the heavy blanket with David he was warm, he could stay out here for hours, looking out over the lake. Just being there in this quiet place. He’d never known a silence like it.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“Not everyone does, I mean not everyone loves their job,” David said.

And he was right about that, maybe he should be more grateful that he even had a job. Maybe he was just being selfish. Maybe he was only struggling so much because he was lazy. But he really didn't think that was the case here. He was trying so hard.

“No that’s true,” Matteo agreed.

“But it shouldn’t make you feel like this,” David continued.

Matteo tipped his head back and looked up at David, he was already staring down at him.

“It’s not worth your health Matteo,” he said.

“We need the money David I can’t just quit,” Matteo said.

Yes, David was working but it wouldn’t be enough, not yet. They couldn’t survive on a single paycheck again, not without help. There was rent and bills, food to buy. And David’s next job didn’t even start until February. He couldn’t quit. He’d love to but he couldn’t.

“We’re fine, we’ll be fine for a while,” David told him. “Ignore the money for a minute, what do you want to do?” he asked.

Matteo thought about it. He hadn’t enjoyed programming since the moment he started working. What he was doing wasn’t really all that different from what he did at uni but yet he hated it now. He missed uni. Hell, he even missed the stress of the projects and deadlines, because there was a different attitude to those. If he fucked up a project or missed a deadline at uni, his professors were always understanding, they tried to help him get there, and asked him what he needed. He hadn’t missed any deadlines at work yet, hadn’t dared, he’d seen how others were treated when they did, how they were belittled and humiliated. He couldn’t handle that.

“I liked it when I was still at school,” Matteo said, that wasn’t even close to an explanation but he didn’t know how to put it into words.

David would get it though, be able to get the info from him.

“Studying?” he asked.

“No more like the pace of it. And I miss working on my own ideas,” Matteo said.

David nodded and smiled gently, he was trying to encourage him.

“Yeah?”

“But I can’t do that,” Matteo argued.

“Why?” David asked.

“Because of the money David,” Matteo said.

His silly ideas were fun and he loved making them, all the little apps he had on his phone, but he couldn’t sell them. The market would be too small, no one else was that same brand of weird as him.

“Well, why wouldn’t it make money? You make all those programs, and you don’t ever share them. And you made an app, you know for med tracking and the uni thought it was so good they helped you share it with all the students who needed it. They gave you a prize. And people love it, the only reason it didn’t make any money was because you didn’t charge for it,” David said.

“Yeah well people need stuff like that I’m not gonna make them subscribe or pay, not for something like that. That’s kinda mean and shitty, and to be honest it’s a bit dangerous, like if they rely on it and then they can’t afford it anymore. That’s just unfair David, mental health help should be free.”

It was very important to him that anyone could access it, and he could have monetized it by putting ads in he supposed but he’d already shared it around campus and two other unis by that point, he didn’t want to spoil it. He let everyone share it around if they needed it the should have it.

“I know and I get that Matteo, but I know you have other ideas. Good ideas, all those little notes you write to yourself and stick on the board. And you have the capability to program them. You were talking last month remember? When you brought all the work home and pretty much chained yourself to your desk. But you kept coming over to me and complaining because you couldn’t focus. You needed something to make you do that, so you started drawing things? Some kind of timer, that would break your work down into sections. You actually started mocking something up. I’m assuming you lost track but why stop there, you could… what?”

Matteo just kept staring at him, it was all he could do. He’d never get used to having David in his corner, fighting for him, supporting him like this.

“Matteo?”

“You listen to everything I say,” Matteo whispered.

David just frowned, confused.

“Well yeah?”

“You really listen and you remember it and you think about it later,” Matteo said.

“Yes Matteo, because it’s important to me,” David said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

And Matteo supposed it was, just like how he hung off David’s every word about his own projects even now.

“Ok,” he said.

“So you’re gonna do it?”

He was really gonna do this, go out on his own and try to make it. He didn’t know if he could do this. But with David’s support, he might just manage something. He'd never be rich or anything, but he would be happy. 

“Yeah but… will you help me?” he asked.

“How?” David asked, pressing a gentle kiss to Matteo’s forehead.

Matteo smiled and closed his eyes.

“I dunno like just, keep me on track,” Matteo said.

“I can do that,” David said.

“And stop me stressing,” Matteo continued.

“Of course,” David said.

He couldn’t believe he was even thinking of this. But it made sense. David was right. He did have ideas, things he would like to make, share with others. And if he could make a living from it then why not? He still couldn’t believe he was going to quit his awful job. He was so happy. And so relieved.

“I love you,” Matteo said.

He sighed heavily and finally pulled away from David so he could turn and face him. David just smiled at him, took the blanket from around his own shoulders and wrapped it around him.

“I know, I love you too Matteo,” he said, grabbing another blanket from the pile they’d brought out.

They sat there quietly for some time, just staring at each other, smiling.

“We’re still not married,” Matteo said after a while.

David laughed.

“True, things got a bit hectic didn’t they?” he said.

“We were supposed to get married once we were done with school,” Matteo reminded him.

“We were, but time got away from us I guess,” David said.

He pursed his lips and untucked his hands from the blanket, reaching out. Matteo did the same and placed his hands in David’s. Smiling as David ran his thumb over his ring.

“We’re practically married though,” Matteo said.

“Still wanna do it properly though, nothing fancy. But just make it official you know?” David said, lifting Matteo’s hand and pressing kisses to his knuckles.

“Me too,” Matteo said.

He wanted to call this man his husband, he wanted to promise him in front of all his friends and family, that he was his forever. And he wanted to hear it back. 

“Next year then?”

“How about May?” Matteo suggested.

“May. That’ll be six years for us then,” David said.

Six years. It felt like longer like David had been in his life forever. Sometimes he swore he’d always known David, that he met him when he was eighteen but he’d already known him somehow. It felt like everything settled at that moment, that there would never be anyone else. Something in Matteo recognised David immediately, knew he was somehow a part of himself. That he was and would be the most important person in his life.

“Yeah, wow can you believe it?” Matteo asked.

“Yes,” David said firmly, meeting his eyes. “It’s perfect,” he said.

And Matteo knew, just knew that David felt exactly the same way.

“I’m going to be ok,” Matteo said.

“Yeah, you are. You never push me away anymore when this happens. I’m so glad you let me stay,” David said.

Matteo shook his head fondly and then crawled back into David’s arms. David held him close and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I need you,” he whispered.

“Yeah but you used to try and get me to leave, you used to think you were ruining my life and all that, it was never true, but you always told me to go,” David said, squeezing him like he thought Matteo would still do so.

“I know and… I just remember that one time, when we’d just moved in? And I got stressed with uni and work and I just crashed and I told you to just go back to Laura’s remember?”

“Yeah I didn’t, of course, I didn’t,” David said, insistently.

“No, but you left me alone because I'd asked even though I didn’t want it and neither did you. And you snuck back in like an hour later when you thought I’d fallen asleep,” Matteo said.

Matteo remembered laying there, not enough energy to tell David to leave. And he desperately wanted him to stay, even though he hated being seen like that.

“You were awake?” David asked.

He laid back so Matteo could turn and face him without moving away. He loved laying like this, curled against David’s chest. Safe like that, but he knew they would have to go in soon. There was no way they could stay laying on the ground for long. Still, they’d laid around in worse places. Matteo looked up to the sky as the birds flew overhead, then back to David.

“Yeah, close to sleep but I was awake and you crouched by the bed and you were crying, and I realised how much I was hurting you when I pushed you away,” Matteo said.

He remembered watching David through half-open eyes, David who couldn’t even see through his tears to see he was awake, and he finally understood, David wanted to be there with him. David would never think of him as a burden. David was never going to leave him. David wasn’t his father. And he’d never pushed him away again. David being there helped, it was a comfort to him. And David wanted to be there, it helped ease his worry if Matteo let him stay.

“It’s one thing when you need space, it’s different when you think you’re doing what's best for me,” David said.

“Yeah so then every time I want to save you from me I think of then and how sad it made you, I… for a long time, even after we were together, I still struggled,” Matteo said.

“Believing you deserved me?” David asked.

“Yeah, but I do,” Matteo said.

“You do. You absolutely do,” David insisted.

“We really got this right didn’t we?” Matteo asked.

This was it, he was laying here, safe and content, with his future, his forever. This man who’d seen he was struggling from the minute he started work, took him away from the situation but allowed him to come to his own realisation, without ever telling him what to do. Just quietly supporting him in whatever he chose. He had saved him time and time again.

But Matteo had saved David too, David told him all the time. Matteo had taught him to trust people again, taught him to love people again. Taught him to let people in and reminded him that being alone was bad and that he needed people too. 

“God five and a half years huh? When I look back... how much we’ve grown. Remember I used to be ready to run at the drop of a hat? I always had a bag half-packed in case,” David said, shaking his head at the thought.

Matteo remembered that too, when they’d come back from the pool, David had put his duffel in the corner of the room. A week later it was still there, packed. He’d called David lazy for not unpacking, just teasing. David had confessed he’d unpacked, done the laundry and repacked. Just in case. It hurt a bit, that David might still run, but Matteo hadn’t argued back then, everything still felt a bit fragile, like it was all going to be snatched away from him again.

“You haven’t done that in a while, since early uni when your mum sent that letter,” Matteo said.

David’s relationship with his parents was still rocky, but back then it had been non-existent. Halfway through David’s first year of film school, his mum had sent him a letter, saying they were moving, downsizing and if David wanted any of his stuff that was left behind, he could come round when they weren’t there. He didn’t but it broke him for a while, and he disappeared off to Furstenberg for a few weeks. He didn’t contact Matteo for a full three weeks that time. 

Matteo remembered the fight when he came back. Because Matteo didn’t care if David needed leave sometimes, but not to keep in touch at all had really hurt. And he’d told David, he’d finally told him how much it hurt, and how he’d kept quiet and always said it was ok, because he was scared that David would leave him. But he’d said he may as well leave because this was unbearable and Matteo couldn’t live like that.

David had walked away at that, walked all the way to the front door before stopping, coming back in and pulling Matteo close, promising to never do it again, never leave without a word again. That when he left he was never leaving Matteo and he hated that he’d made him think that. That even just then in that moment, he wasn’t leaving he just hated himself for hurting Matteo, and he’d panicked. But he would never leave. And he never had. 

That night, he’d also made Matteo promise to never keep something like that to himself, never be afraid of telling him the truth, nothing could make David leave.

David’s parents hadn’t thrown his stuff away either, they’d kept it, every single thing. Even back then there’d been some hope of reconnecting. It was a slow process but they were putting in the effort and it was working. David was even willing to let them come to the wedding now, although he’d agreed that before they’d set a date.

“Sometimes I still think about it,” David said quietly, reaching out and pulling Matteo’s hat down onto his face and then pulling his hood up.

“Running away?” Matteo asked.

“Yeah but it’s different now before I just wanted to go get out, go anywhere, go far away,” David said.

“And now?”

“It’s you, sometimes I still wanna run but its always to you,” David said.

Matteo closed his eyes at that, face hot, a warm feeling settling in his stomach.

“When do you wanna run?” Matteo asked.

“Last time was when I was Sweden remember? I hated it,” David said.

“Yeah you came home after like three weeks,” Matteo teased prodding his cheek and grinning.

David grinned and kissed his fingers.

“I missed you, but it was ok in the end, and you coped well enough,” David said.

“Hardly had to you came back all the time,” Matteo reminded him.

David laughed.

“True,” he said.

“Can’t believe we’re getting married next year,” Matteo said.

“Finally,” David said. “I would have married you the moment we got back from New York if you’d have let me,” he continued.

“Romantic, you propose at an airport and what marry me at the train station?”

“Fuck off!”

“I don’t want anything big,” Matteo said quietly.

“Oh I know, we’ll work something out. A small ceremony and a little party, that’s all we need,” David said.

“Can we come back here again?”

“Next Christmas?”

“Is it bad? Going away? Like I feel bad leaving mama and Laura,” Matteo said.

“They get it, Matteo, we visit all the time, they won’t begrudge us this,” David assured him.

“Ok, where do you think we’ll be, Christmas in five years?”

“Here?” David guessed.

Matteo shook his head.

“No,” he said.

“Where then?” David asked.

“Home,” Matteo said, smirking.

“The apartment?” 

“No David you’re supposed to have bought me a nicer place then remember?” Matteo said, remembering David’s drunken promises from last year.

“Ok, so Christmas in our new fancy apartment. Or a house?” David suggested.

“Yeah house! You better start working, gotta get famous buy me a house,” Matteo said.

“God you’re going to be such a trophy wife,” David said, smiling down at him fondly.

“Damn straight, but don’t worry I'll stay pretty for you,” Matteo joked.

David shook with laughter underneath him.

“You’ll always be pretty enough for me,” David said.

Matteo started shivering from the cold mostly, he tried to hide it but David smiled and held him tighter.

“Christmas in our fancy big house,” Matteo said, dreaming about it now.

Just picturing it, their home, somewhere quiet. Not as quiet as here but still somewhere a little slower, more suited to Matteo’s pace of life. 

“With a garden?” David suggested.

Matteo beamed a nice garden with huge trees and beautiful plants. He could take care of it, like his mother’s garden.

“Yeah a garden,” he agreed. 

“But a big fancy house will have lots of rooms,” David said.

Matteo frowned.

“Well yeah,” he said.

David sat up, forcing Matteo up too, then he stood and helped him up. Matteo stumbled from where he’d gotten so cold. His legs felt stiff and achy, he pressed close to David and they walked into the cabin, Matteo collapsing onto the sofa immediately. Letting David sort out the door and the fire.

David laughed and then lifted Matteo so he was laying in his lap instead. He took off his hat so he could stroke his hands through his hair.

“What will we do with all those rooms?” David asked after a while.

Matteo stared, feeling sleepy and warm. He’d already lost track of their conversation outside.

“The rooms in the house, it’s a lot for just us, right? They might make good rooms for a little Matteo and David,” David said.

“We are not calling our kids Matteo and David,” Matteo argued.

“I know you absolute idiot, I’m just saying, kids. What would you name them? I know you think about it a lot,” David said.

He did think about it a lot. They talked about it a lot too, all their plans for the future.

“Er… well they would probably already have names,” Matteo said.

“Ah ok yeah that makes sense because they’d be older,” David said. “But we could give them cute nicknames.

“Like Toad and Princess Peach?” Matteo suggested.

David thumped him.

They’d talked about it a few months ago, a conversation about foster care. It had started because Laura and Lise were thinking about it. Matteo had admitted to David that it was something he was always afraid of as a kid, being taken away. It was his biggest fear for a long time. And David had said they weren’t all bad places but he knew Matteo’s real fear was being away from his mama. 

But they’d talked more about it, and the uncertainty and instability that came in these places and how it would be nice to provide a stable home for a kid.

“Yeah,” Matteo said.

“Imagine giving them a Christmas,” David said.

Matteo sat up.

“Yeah?”

“Would be nice right?”

Matteo nodded.

“Yes David I want that,” he said.

He wanted that so badly.

“You want to play with kids toys,” David accused, taking Matteo’s face in his hand and slowly pulling him in for a kiss.

Matteo went willingly.

“That too,” Matteo mumbled against his lips.

Matteo curled up around David and closed his eyes. He remembered the time when he used to hate Christmas, dread it and all the memories it brought with it. It used to be a miserable, lonely time for him. It was stressful and upsetting for his mother, and therefore always a difficult time for him. He’d never thought he’d celebrate it again properly. 

The year before he’d met David he’d spent most of the school holidays drunk at various parties. And the days there weren’t parties, Christmas day, he’d spent stoned in his room alone, while his mother cried in her own room. He thought that was just how it would be for him. 

And now he’d had six wonderful Christmases. He would have five more, and ten after that and twenty after that. He would have a lifetime of happy Christmases with David. And whatever family they created. A lifetime of happiness with David.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this story, just six wonderful Christmases for these two. Thank you for reading and all the kudos and comments. 
> 
> Up next Christmas in Italy for the _all of my goodness_ verse as promised, I'll drop it a bit later today.
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my christmas fic to go with _this bed feels cold_ , originally i was only going to write one christmas, the one after David got back from new york, but then i started exploring how their traditions had come about. then i wanted to continue into the future too. so you get six, which is pretty random. every chapter is finished and i'll post one a day until christmas, like a tiny, very late, advent calendar
> 
> [theo (@youmustbestrongernow)](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com)


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